Water Balloons are the New AK's

by , Loser with Socks

Once upon a time, America's football-playing youth had one ginormous collective nutsack on them. And when they ran afoul of the law, they were arrested for real, hardcore stuff. Like simple possession of narcotics. Emptying a Glock in a crowded nightclub. Shoplifting. Statutory rape. Even knifing teammates in the leg.

Sadly, those days are long gone. And I'm already wistful for them.

In case you missed it, on ESPiN's college football page the other day, there were two breaches of jurisprudence listed over to the right. And, both involved the biggest threat known to mankind: water balloons.

Article one:
Hoosier tight end Blake Powers threw a water balloon from one car into another, hitting an off-duty Kampus Kop. Said cop got pissed and *boom* hello ESPiN sidebar. Powers and his peeps tested Negatron for alcohol. Perhaps new IU head coach Bill Lynch will pull a Spurrier and suspend him for the first quarter of the season opener with Indiana State. Lesson learned: hitting someone with a water balloon in Indiana carries a misdemeanor charge of battery.

Article two:
BYU linebacker Terrance Hooks gets busted for kicking in two apartment doors after his girlfriend gets pelted with a water balloon. Hooks, already suspended for one game because of the arrest, pleaded guilty to criminal mischief and criminal trespass and was sentenced to 15 days in a work-diversion program, which, in most states, would equate to picking up roadside garbage with a bunch of guys who got DUIs. However, since it's Utah, no one drinks enough to get a DUI. Not officially.

Clearly, America's youth are getting out of hand. Our nation is going to hell in a handbasket and it's waiting patiently in the cash-only express lane. If you're a parent reading this, you really should spring into action on this one. Talk. Now. Educate yourself-know the signs of water balloon abuse. Learn to communicate with your children. Tell them that water balloons are very, very bad and are little more than a gateway weapon to other instruments, like slingshots. 

It might be balloon shrapnel on your hands today, but you could be washing the blood of the world off your hands tomorrow. Do yourself-and the planet a favor: act now in the name of world peace.