Why Ohio State Won't Win Jack S%^& This Year

by Stan and Rupert, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes

What happens when you ask a Michigan grad and a Michigan State grad to preview the Ohio State Buckeyes? Well, it certainly couldn’t be anything pleasant now could it? It’s that ability to share in the one common cause; making sure all those self-righteous Buckeye fans get a good grasp on what a long season they have in store.

The 2006-07 Sports Calendar was quite the festive time for Buckeye athletics. They were able to play second fiddle in not one, but two National Championship games (Basketball and Football) to Florida. It was a delightful time to see the balloon pop when many a Buckeye fan predicted a complete waxing of Florida in the BCS Championship Game. Yours truly, sat back nestled amongst a crowd of Buckeye fans and watched Chris Leak slice and dice the Buckeye defense, quietly counting the Sportsbook ticket that was no doubt going to be cashed on that game.

In what is supposed to be a season of turnover having lost Ted Ginn Jr., Troy Smith and Anthony Gonzalez to the NFL, the Buckeye faithful refuse to believe anything could stall their reign of excellence…not even corruption or scandal. Anyhow, they’ve yet again brainwashed voters into believing they pose a threat to Michigan, Penn State and Wisconsin in the Big 10, as they are ranked in the top 10 pre-season polls all across the board. However, rest assured we fully expect a steady plummet.

The chief concern going into the season will be the QB slot, which appears likely to be going to Junior Todd Boeckman, whom we’ve never seen and can only imagine sucks. As usual, the Buckeye’s feel as though they have a potential Heisman hopeful in sophomore RB Chris Wells, a local product. Their strength of schedule looks iffy at best, but road games at Happy Valley and the “Big House” are already on our books as losses.

Despite a manner of optimism about this Ohio State team, it’s all for naught. And that’s why today, we are have the honor to drop some insight as to what we can expect out of Columbus this season. Some things are just inevitable and sorry to piss on your parade, but here are the certainties of the Ohio State season. And it’s not going to be pretty.

There will be some GREAT white LB who is the end all of LB's.
Oh wait, they've already found the next Andy Katzenmoyer? Not to sound harsh, but the neck injury isn't reason enough, he just couldn't hack it in the NFL...pussy. This year the BJ's belong to James Laurinaitis, the junior who has held the mantle for the past few seasons. However, we aren't the least bit impressed, considering his no show in the BCS game last year.

Somebody will get posted with pot.
We aren't sure who it's going to be, but we are hoping they take it up a notch this year and treat us all to a cocaine possession. It's gonna happen.

They will still continue to refer to it as "THEE" Ohio St. University. If anything irks me the most about Ohio State it’s the token “THEE.” You know what I plan to do the next time I hear someone refer to THEE Ohio State University. I am going to kick them in THEE Balls.

Better yet, try writing that on your resume next time you apply for a job at my company and here are your interview questions:

-I see you went to THEE Ohio State University, tell me what it was like to eat paste sandwiches?

-Was it hard comparing and contrasting the 23 Dive to 33 Power during your senior thesis?

-Is it difficult to knock down a cow when you're blasted on anti-freeze?

-Are my balls pretty hairy or they about average?"

Those stupid buckeye candies taste like shit.
Period.

Some dirty degenerate booster will continue to slip cash in the players Nike’s.
And Tressel will more than approve of this, denying ever knowing the whole time.

Columbus and surrounding areas will be completely sold out of v-neck grey Ohio State sweaters.
The boosters keep a secret slush fund aside, so Tressel can wear a new one every single game.

Maurice Clarett will attempt to break out of prison at some point in the season.
He must still have some eligibility left and Tressel will no doubt give the kid a second chance.

They will lose to two teams from Michigan!
That's right...they will be waxed at the Big House. And just like 1998 all over again, an unknown Michigan State team will march into Columbus and pull off the improbable. A victory over the fading 5th place team in the Big 10...THEE Ohio State University. Expect fires and every gas station to be sold out of Anti-Freeze, as the Buckeye faithful play flip cup with a couple bottles of "PEAK."

Enjoy the “Alamo Bowl”
It's just going to be that type of season in Columbus. Lower the expectations, because you are headed to Texas for a long weekend of booze, arrests and fights, while you get your ass kicked by Oklahoma State in the Alamo Bowl. Ah yes, it's going to a refreshing season in Columbus. Sorry about all that, but enjoy. Should be fun to watch.

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