To open the NCAA College Football season, Epic Carnival is going to preview some of the top teams in the country in its new Why Your Team Won't Win _______ series. Any a-hole can come up with reasons why a team is great, but it takes a special person to say why your team isn't as great as you seem to think.
by BOHChris, The Blog of Hilarity
Ah, the proud LSU Tigers, beacons of faggotry. Your last coach is in an indecisive douche, your current coach is an inbred douche who's so illogical and worthless that him calling out an 11 year-old girl wasn't too far-fetched. But everyone thinks the Tigers will be in the hunt for a BCS Championship once again. Never mind that they lost their biggest star and that their penchant for winning big games involves primarily beating up on false idols like an overrated Oklahoma team for their BCS win in 2003 and Notre Dame last year. Totally irrelevant.
"Why this is all slander and conjecture," says an inexplicably articulate LSU fan. "How about some actual facts?"
First of all, how about f*ck you, you fan-boat-through-the-swamp bumpkin? Secondly, fine, here's a list of reasons why your team will not be our Champion at the end of the year.
--JaMarcus Russell is now a Raider. Your two top receivers in Dwayne Bowe and Craig Davis are now a Chief and Charger, respectively. Early Doucet is a #3 receiver being forced into the role of carrying the team. Bodes very well. That is, if he can even get a pass thrown into his hands, because...
--Projected starter at QB Matt Flynn sucks and backup Ryan Perrilloux can't get out of Coach Miles' doghouse despite far more talent. Will the perpetually high-octane LSU offense be stalled? Well, not against such tough opponents (per Miles) as Louisiana Tech, Tulane, and Middle Tennessee, it won't!
--Your former star RB Alley Broussard quit the team to "focus on his studies". On the plus side, his LSU degree will be worth approximately as much as something saying, "Im litterit" written on a cup filled with one of Louisiana's famous Hurricane drinks.
--That notoriously tough LSU schedule will consist of 7 home games and 5 away games with all the top opponents coming to Baton Rouge. Which means LSU will probably have one or two losses to top opponents on their home field. The computers and humans probably won't look too kindly upon that.
--LSU's "toughest" road game this year is at Alabama, a program looking to reestablish itself under new head coach Nick Saban. The biggest challenge in that game? Keeping LSU fans from thinking Nick Saban is in the room while they watch on TV, lest they end up shooting at him for his "abandurnments" of the Tigers.
--I would have sex with less than half of their "Golden Girl" cheerleader roster. If your campus' best isn't attractive enough to distract me while I'm at work, good luck distracting teams with legitimately fetching coeds, like Florida. Also one of the Golden Girls appears to be cross-eyed. Which scares me.
--Also, Golden Girls, really? I guess that's a name you can go with when your best QB in history, Matt Mauck, played like Bea Arthur.
--There is no more smoking allowed at all LSU events. Wah, I'm a Tigers fan, my poor lungs would be hurt by a little bit of Smoke, wah. Pussies.
So there you go, a list full of frivolous reasons your team of drunken, inbred, borderline-retards won't be winning this year's BCS Championship. Don't like it? Why don't you buy a billboard and cry about it three years later? That's the LSU way!
VIEW OTHERS IN THE E.C. "WHY YOUR TEAM WON'T WIN" SERIES
Monday, August 6, 2007
Why Your Team Won't Win the BCS: LSU Tigers
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7 comment(s):
We'll talk about this in January 2008
Yes, let's. I'll eagerly await the email you'll send me from the Correct Craft Super Air Nautique 210 Bowl.
yeah i mean..for the coaches to vote LSU as the SEC champions; they must be bad, considering the SEC is college football.... But I mean, you must really be mad that the inevitable will happen this season when LSU wins the NC, right? bohchris? big ol' hoe chris? is that it? nice article, all of it was factual by the way.
I was unaware that the SEC handed out its trophies via a vote of the coaches before the season has begun. That seems like a good system; at the very least as good as the system that allows LSU to have won their only National Championship while USC was, at the very least, an equal.
And "Big Ol Hoe"? Really? That LSU education really does do wonders what with clever wordplay/acronym creation like that.
Oh man, I have a feeling we're going to make alot of enemies from this new feature...
but it'll be so much fun though!
Chris is just a bandwaggon fan who obviously became a USC fan about 2002 or 2003. If you read his past blogs, he also claims to be a Cowboys and Yankees fan. I would assume he became a Cowboys fan in about 1992 and Yankees fan around 1994. Wonder if he is a Lakers or Bulls fan?
lol,epic fail.
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