Wide Receivers: How to Do It, Do It, and Do It Well

by, The Grand National Championships

Receiver. It's the second most important position. You can find yourself an awesome player in the depths. Ask the guy who was all "whoo Marques Colston and Mike Furrey!" last season. But it's a bit of a crapshoot. Ask the guy who drafted Marc Boerighter Round 4, or Matthew Hatchette round 8.

You're half right if you're talking about me. Anyway...

The Four Horsemen of the Top Tier
We have no dominant #1 going into this season. We have some nicely talented players, to be sure. But no one is above and beyond. Steve Smith of the Panthers has the potential of being superpowered again, and for me, he is #1 on the board. Marvin Harrison is #1 in the sanity levels, but #2 on my board. Peyton's going to be chucking the ball around a little more, and Marvin's just got a higher level of rapport. Chad Johnson's swag is phenomenal, to be sure. And he's definitely going to have a good year. Point of fact, if you really wanted to call him One-B, Ocho Cinco would be cool with that. Terrell Owens. I have nothing to say about this man that Kim Etheridge couldn't say better. He could be annoying forever.

The Second Tier (a.k.a. You're still good)
Reggie Wayne, he's the best #2 by far, because Peyton Manning throws the football a lot. A lot. Wayne will get the sloppy seconds. Javon Walker, if football gets his head right, is the one I would believe most likely to finish as a Top 3 wideout in this grouping. Any improvement by Cutler has to come from him. You want consistency without a #2 near the level of Reggie Wayne or Houshmandzahdeh? Torry Holt is your man. He's going to represent awesome yet again, and considering the Golden God complex of other top wideouts? Holt has good value. Problem is, Holt says he's at 70-80 perecent after offseason knee surgery. Larry Fitzgerald is good, solid, and he should be back to good after last years hamstring injury. You should be able to get Fitzy in Round 4 (My draft had more reaching than a bad Larry Craig joke.) Be happy.

At #9 is Lee Evans and his fly patterns of doom. They will destroy cornerbacks and distance bonuses. But be patient if the start is slow, okay? The big joke is about how Touraj "T.J." Houshmanzahdeh has a difficult name to pronounce. Do it phonetically and don't do it before T.O. or Reggie Wayne gets drafted and you will be fine. If this be my reach, I will tell you now, I personally feel the Redskins will lose a lot of games in a 31-28, 38-24 variety. How else would you explain my Santana Moss ebulience? Anquan Boldin may also be a little too high. I'm not saying he's not talented. I'm just saying know your league. If a touchdown's worth 150 yards of offense? Perhaps give him to someone else to pick.

The Dukes of #2 Receiverdom
Roy Williams just seems like he should be better than this. I mean, he's got remarkable physical gifts, but the Detroit Lions hold him back. He may yet be bigger than astrobats, but now? He's just a great #2. Here's the thing about Marques Colston. You just don't know. Last year was just super freakish. The last superfreakish rookie season? Michael Clayton. How's he been doing? I'm not saying he's going to go bad, I'm just saying be careful. Donald Driver looks like he won't miss any regular season time. And Brett Favre trusts him implicitly. You can trust him as an every week starter. Why will he be better than Randy Moss? Tom Brady spreads the ball around. And while Moss will be a fine #2, I don't expect the Corey Dillonesque renaissance.

Andre Johnson has the skills of a Terell Owens. But the Texans general suck is turning him into Herman Moore. Hines Ward is the most unsexy of your upper echelon. That's not to say he's not good. He's just more of a value bet than cinch awesome. I do hate Reggie Brown, but for you? He's a #1 receiver and a pretty good breakout candidate. He can for 27-311-2 for all I care.

The Non-Royalty Division of #2 Receivers.
Laverneus Coles is also a pretty good value bet. He has a good rapport with Pennington and has just enough gear to get 100+ yards every once out of every three games. Plaxico Burress? He sucks. He is overrated. Pass on him. Let someone else be disappoiunted. Vincent Jackson is an obvious breakout candidate. But Antonio Gates had a big December before the breakout. And if your draft gets crazy with Tight Ends? Yes he is a good value! This could be the single stupidest mistake I will make on this cheat sheet. I know Calvin Johnson is a rare breed of prospect. But having your a rookie as your #23 receiver? It's simply bad pool. Joey Galloway has the simple logic to it. #1 Receiver. Bad Team. Lots of passes going to him.

The #3 Receiver. Your platinum gods.
25. Deion Branch (The #1 receiver, but the team's old, and he's off of the Henry Ellard career path. Or maybe he's just overrated. I really don't know. EXPERT!)
26. Bernard Berrian (He's a guy to get if you wish to get off to a hot start. He has physical gifts to the maximum. But he is just not durable. Draft him round 6 and flip him at week 5.)
27. Darrell Jackson (He's still good, but the injuries have taken their toll. He's a great target for Alex Smith. But will he last the year?)
28. Jerricho Cotchery (Porn Name? Jerricho Crotchery. He's a big star in the adult film industry. Lame joke, we spent 15 minutes on it in our draft.)
29. Mark Clayton (#1 receiver on what's expected to be a good offense. But does McNair trust Heap more?)
30. Braylon Edwards (Yeah, I'll admit this one may be a scoch too high. But the offensive line has improved, which will give whatever bad quarterback time to throw, and the fact of the matter is the whole year 3 equals breakout thing has happened before. But I'd like him a lot more in a keeper league.)
31. Greg Jennings (He is the #2 receiver in what should be a potent offense. He got off to a fast start last year before the injury. Do not sleep on this Western Michigan product.)
32. Chris Chambers (Every time he has expectations he falls flat on his face. Every time you're surprised he's even ranked this high he surprises. He's the definition of mercurial, but he's going to get the lions share of the passes.)
33. Santonio Holmes (A potential gamebreaker as a #2 receiver. I am probably a little too bullish as to Santonio Holmes divinity in redraft leagues, but he finished strong to end last year and can consolidate those gains.)
34. D.J. Hackett (Every magazine's go-to sleeper. But while he was sneaky good in 2006. He will be overvalued by other people. Let them draft the Hackett. You will feel better for letting him pass by.)
35. Terry Glenn (He has always disappointed when he was not coached by Parcells. Wade Phillips will get Glenn at 65% capability. You will hate yourself for picking him, even if he's your 3rd receiver.)
36. Kevin Curtis (White guy! We've got a white guy! But in all seriousness, he's going to be a decent option. Let the racist in your league draft him.)

Your 4th Receivers with bullet point comments.
37. Donte Stallworth (If you think he's underrated, he will miss two games and be ineffective for four more. He's talented, but he's not going to be healthy for 12, let alone 16 games.)
38. Devery Henderson (But watch this battle. He got hurt during camp. Opportunities are available for Robert Meacham and Terence Copper can win this job.)
39. Matt Jones (Matt Jones has the dual breakout potential as the third receiver, and random white guy who goes for a big year. Also, he's a raw Vernon Davis.)
40. Ronald Curry (Possession receiver. Injury prone. Daunte relies on him heavily. Until he tears a ligament.)
41. Issac Bruce (He's old and on the downside of his career. Though getting Drew Bennett means he will stay the #2 receiver.)
42. Brandon Jones (He's Tennessee's likely #1 receiver. He's also a good sleeper. Why? Somebody has to catch the ball in Tennessee.)
43. Eddie Kennison (The single most unsexy receiver you can pick. The Chiefs will be bad. They will have to throw. But Eddie Kennison inspires nothing.)
44. Brandon Marshall (If he replaces Rod Smith, he's gonna be pretty good. He's only got a #2 upside. But if healthy, he could be okay.)
45. Mushin Muhammad (He's probably going to have more receptions than Berrian, but in terms of touchdowns, he will be at a much lower total.)
46. Drew Bennett (As a white guy nicknamed Drew? I like him. But so few have had so much mileage over one good month like Drew Bennett.)
47. Joe Horn (Michael Vick is my FRIEND! Michael Vick is MY friend!)
48. Derrick Mason (Posession receiver. Good rapport with McNair, but he's being phased out for Heap and Mark Clayton.)

How to round out the cheat sheet stylishly.
49. Marty Booker
50. Reggie Williams
51. Mike Furrey
52. Jerry Porter
53. Michael Jenkins
54. Wes Welker
55. Anthony Gonzalez
56. Drew Carter
57. Amani Toomer
58. Troy Williamson (Brad Childress should just go to the wishbone. I mean, really.)
59. Bryant Johnson
60. Antwaan Randle El