Will Kobe Slit His Wrists?

by Kirk, PartMule

The roller coaster ride that has been Mr. Sunshine Kobe Bryant's off-season is looking to get a whole lot more cork-screwed and bumpy as divorce seems on his horizon.

The impact of his wife Vanessa packing his boxers and keeping her $4M blood diamond obviously hadn't set in while he was out in Vegas sucking frozen grapes at The Mirage's Bare pool. But I'm sure the return to L.A. reality and the words "I want half " of his $200M stash will sting the concierge-banging NBA All Star into a tail-spin.

I'm predicting Kobe's 'my marriage is wasted' come-down will make for a gloomy late-summer/early fall that may involve therapy, Lexapro, strippers, and demands for a trade once again. I also predict Mr. Sunshine will lapse into a unpredictable place that, dare I say, may even lead to him to severe depression and suicidal acts?

Here are a few ways Kobe can stay away from that suicidal place:

1. Get him his lil' buddy Jermaine O'Neal and now!


2. Get him on an anti-depressant cocktail and now!


3. Check him into a Colorado hotel with fine white blond concierges now!


4. Get him an electric razor now!


5. Fire Mitch Kupchak yesterday!


6. Give him lots of hugs and 40 shots-a-game.


7. Get more Vegas ass at the The Mirage Bare pool.


8. Tell Karl Malone she's all his now!


9. Watch the video below of his arrogant ass b-ball schooling Filipino kids