THE BEST OF EPIC CARNIVAL SERIES: THE BLOG OF HILARITY

by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap

Every Wednesday Friday time we remember to do it, we thought we'd give you a little taste of what goes on at the home sites of our many fine writers. Amazingly enough, when they're not here entertaining you at Epic Carnival, they all have Web sites of their own in which they furiously try to decipher the real meaning of the Harry Potter books express their opinions and display their deranged senses of humor. This way you can get a small glimpse into why they were chosen to be a part of this conglomerate of crazy.

This week's entry comes to us from The Blog of Hilarity ... enjoy!

UFC 71...A liveblog of punch-based athletics

Checking in periodically live from the scenic Blog of Hilarity Headquarters where there's hi-def UFC on the TV, eaten Mexican food, and disgustingly stuffy air on a humid official beginning of Summer...

Boom! What'd you think I forgot? It's a liveblog of tonight's Ultimate Fighting Championship: 71 in which some guys are fighting, other guys are fighting, and other guys will win those fights, by either knockout, submission, ref stoppage, or decision.

The card's featuring Chuck Liddell of ESPN the Magazine, Entourage, and American Casino...mostly the first two...fame against Quinton "Rampage " Jackson amongst some other guys you probably know or vaguely know.

10:12pm
And we're off with the fine gentleman featured above looking terrified of Anderson Silva (l.), Chris Leben. Who comes out to Tupac. And seems to take about 3 minutes. And who's behind him but Adam Sandler, slightly better dressed than I am in a pair of basketball shorts and wifebeater (it's hot...don't judge).

Michael Buffer - 1 Chromosome + A bit of UPN= Bruce Buffer

10:17pm
There's supreme athletes, there's talented underachievers...and then there's Chris Leben, who just fell on his back while going for a kick in the beginning of his match against Kalib Starnes. Nothing screams "the best athletes in the world," as Dana White claimed, like an awkward, schlubby guy with red hair who has an uninitiated fall.

10:24pm
Chris Leben turns falling down into an art. He falls with such power, whether slipping as though he stepped on a cartoon banana peel or where being violently punched down by Kalib Starnes If falling down were an athletic event, Leben could legitimately be called an athlete, as opposed to know, in which he's, in scientific terms, a douchebag.

10:27pm
Adam Sandler and Kevin James back on the TV. They're clearly just there to promote their new movie, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry since Sandler looks bored out of his mind. Conversely, Kevin James looks like a big fan of UFC nnouncer Mike Goldberg.

10:30pm
Leben daintily kicks Barnes in the stomach, who collapses and wraps his legs around Leben. This is not unlike how I play with my cat, Nilla.

10:33pm
While they roll around on the ground pawing at each other, a quick search on Starnes shows that he...

# Starnes is an avid reader of poetry and linguistics.
# Likes to participate in spoken-word competitions.
# Lists Noam Chomsky and Howard Zinn among his favorite writers.

Conversely, Leben enjoys the antics of Twinkie the Kid.

10:34pm
Mandy Moore is here. She is attractive. Seeing her in a cut right after Chris Leben is like seeing a beautiful doe drinking from a river next to a fat guy in a stained t-shirt eating cheetos while rubbing his taint and sniffing his fingers.

10:36pm
Starnes wins, his love of the spoken word comes through in his interview. Chris Leben says (more like slurs out) that he doesn't care about scores, he cares about what the fans think and they love him. They then lustily boo him. Mike Goldberg commends Starnes for his class in victory then segues into another shot of Mandy Moore clapping. While that doesn't make sense in theory, I can't complain.

10:40pm
Candi Jones, pictured below, is your new Xyience girl. She beat out a bunch of other girls who look like strippers. Her prize is a fight against Randy Couture, best of luck to her.

10:42pm
Houston Alexander, fighting Keith Jardine, comes out with a plain white t-shirt that reads:
Warrior Wear
Info USA
MickDoyle.com
Big Brain
Midwest Customs
GNC Lakeside in Omaha, NE
MickDoyle.com's conversation with Mookie and Michelle is oddly compelling.

10:46pm
Room Tone's Managing Editor Tomas and I are seriously contemplating looking to buying an ad on a fighter. I feel like a spot on some random a-hole's t-shirt can't cost me more than 300 bucks and a Coors Light.

10:49pm
Houston Alexander, a huge underdog, just beat down Keith Jardine like this was jail. Holy crap. The announcer's really shat on Alexander and he just said, "Hey, I can punch dudes too." Mick Doyle couldn't be any prouder.

10:50pm
Joe Rogan, who is inexplicably likable and well-respected in this venue, mentions that Jardine was annoyed he had to fight a nobody like Alexander. Alexander declares Nebraska's in the building. Well, that explains why I was just raped by Lawrence Phillips.

10:56pm
Houston Alexander's pretty interesting. He was fighting in the underground fight clubs in Iowa (what?) while working at a hip-hop station in Omaha (huh?). Wow. The Midwest. Anyway he was offered up this slot against Jardine basically to be a tomato can. And knocked him the f*ck out. That was awesome but it's ridiculous how these "top guys" don't win...as I mentioned earlier this week.

The liveblog goes on...after the jump, so clicky clicky.

11:02pm
Terry Martin and Ivan Salaverry begin their fight and Joe Rogan says "Martin's getting in good shape, but he's still got some fat." Mike Goldberg agrees enthusiastically. Like far too enthusiastically.

11:04pm
Another ref stoppage after Martin throws Salaverry on his head and bludgeons him on the back of the head. Tomas points out that we can win $250,000 on UFFL.com, according to an ad on Terry Martin's ass. Well, if there's an ass I think has credibility on that, it's Terry Martin's. He apparently has a doctorate in psychology. Wow.

11:06pm
Speaking of asses, David Spade is here.

11:09pm
There seems to be a lot of liveblogging of this event going on. I'm surprised that there are so few ones that are remotely literate. The only one I see at a quick glance is at Balls Deep Sports, so they get a link.

11:10pm
A montage of the cleavage in the crowd to the theme of Mimz' "This Is Why I'm Hot." I respect that.

11:11pm
As Karo Parisyan looks to take on Josh Burkman, I just saw that UFFL.com is a fantasy football league that has Mike Ditka as "Da Commissioner." I...I'll just post the picture.

11:17pm
Before announcing Burkman and Parisyan, Bruce Buffer announces that Amp'd Mobile is "more mobile than [I'm] used to." I don't know...I'm used to a lot of mobile. Mickey's Malt Liquor also gets a mention. Mickey's is legitimately more malt liquor than I'm used to.

11:22pm
Burkman and Parisyan are going back and forth here so a little more about Burkman. He calls himself "The People's Warrior" and, literally right on his anus, is a circular logo that says "Black Springs Homes." That's not the kind of advertisement I'd want on the fighter we sponsor. For the record, Tomas noted that. Was he looking at the logo or was it incidental? You decide.

11:34pm
They're still fighting, evenly matched, technically sound, but much less volatile than the last couple so I'm exploring the Interwebs. Apparently Burkman is dating Arianny Celeste (pictured below), a UFC ring girl. She's very sexy. She makes me wonder if Josh Burkman is really the right candidate for People's Warrior. How can he be my warrior when he's dating girls like this? I think that may cost him votes in the swing states.

11:36pm
Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf are in the crowd. Mike Goldberg calls her "his pretty bride." Mike Goldberg likes to eschew credit, but I have to tell you...he is an inspiration to us all by serving as America's first legally blind play-by-play announcer.

11:39pm
Parisyan wins by decision and then sings:

My Judo throws are the best
Best throws in the world
All the other throws are done by little girls.

That was amazing.

11:40pm
That's followed up by cutting to sloppy Rob Dibble with some woman that no doubt cost him all his autographs of Barry Larkin.

11:55pm
Jeremy Stephens and Din Thomas square off in a relatively dull first round when all of a sudden, Stephens escapes a choke and pummels Thomas, then goes for a jumping punch on the prone Thomas that looked amazingly dramatic, then completely missed. Somewhere Chris Leben stood up, clapping proudly for the way in which Stephens turned a triumphant series of blows into a beautiful 3/4 twist faceplant.

11:59pm
And we enter midnight with Thomas making Stephens submit in the 2nd round to an armbar. Thomas had it locked in but Stephens didn't tap out (the ref called it a submission because Thomas would have broken his arm).

Thomas gives an interview declaring himself a bad "motherf*cker" and that he wants Floyd Mayweather Jr. to come in and try his "sh*t" and "get f*cked up" because "he's a bad mothaf*cka." Wow.

12:03am
Wow, this phenomenal interview came about when Joe Rogan went to talk to Bijou Phillips and director Eli Roth about their new movie "Hostel 2."

Joe Rogan: Did filming this give you nightmares?
Bijou Phillips: It gave me horrible horrible nightmares, I'd wake up screaming. *nods and smiles while Rogan pauses and stares blankly*
Rogan: Have you ever been to UFC before?
Bijou: No but I love UFCees...HI CHRIS HI BLUFFIES!

Hi Bijou. Bluffies sends his regards.

12:11am
Quinton "Rampage" Jackson comes out to a song that yells out "Rampage" over and over again and was, apparently, also made by him. Then he lets out a howl. He won me over when they interviewed him in the crowd at Liddell/Ortiz in December and he barked and had a chain around his neck as well as two women who looked like porn stars on his arm (which I think they give out at the door at these UFC events).

12:12am
Quinton is still strolling to the ring and howling, so here's some more about his personal life.

Jackson resides in Irvine, CA with four children, Diangelo, Raja, and Elijah, and Naname Nakia Jackson. All three boys have the middle name "Rampage" while Naname has just 'Page. He and his wife Yuki were separated in April 2006 after a blood test showed he fathered a child, Raja, with another woman.

Classier than George Foreman, I'll tell you that much.

12:15am
The star of the show "Iceman" Chuck Liddell comes out to a huge reception and a DMX theme. It's not quite 50 Cent in a Bulletproof vest adorned with the Mexican flag, but maybe some day.

12:21am
And we're fighting. Joe Rogan describes Liddell's fighting style as "You come in and he moves in and you go and BOOM!" And Rampage ends Liddell within 2 minutes. Holy sh*t. Liddell goes down, Rampage mounts and keeps slugging until Liddell goes limp. Liddell is livid. And Rampage is our new Light Heavyweight Champion! Wow.

12:25am
So another pay-per-view, another top fighter goes down (not to toot my own horn, but I did say this earlier this week. The next challenger is top fighter in PRIDE Dan Henderson (who won't get a tomato can opponent since the new guys have been having problems losing in those fights and blowing a big matchup).

There's a lot more money in Liddell chasing the title than just vanquishing guys, so this might be a good thing. But these titles changing hands like this does kind of devalue them a bit, And as I try to wrap this up here, Jackson yells entertaining things and says he'll fight Liddell again right now. He's awesome.

12:30am
Dan Henderson, who's a Champion in PRIDE, struts in...a very WWE-esque thing to do and Henderson, billed as "Hollywood" Dan Henderson, even looks a bit like Randy Orton. But Rampage and Henderson are friends so they joke about who's better and play with each other's title belts.

12:33am
And we'll call it a night here as dirty Adam Sandler, who'd look like he just came out of the gym if he weren't so doughy, looks on and yells at Rampage. Liddell may have been a bit too full of his own hype this week with the magazine covers and articles and White saying he's the only guy he can rely on in PR since he keeps winning. So Rampage shut him down, not unlike how Cryogel shuts down athlete pains. That's why Quinton Jackson supports it so wholeheartedly (despite them apparently shooting their sponsorship photos in the legendary Some Dude's Apartment Photo Studio.

As a filler fight with two mooks comes on to fight in a pre-recorded bout in an empty arena since the PPV ended way early, we formally bid you adieu. Ultimately a good illustration of all of UFC's potential problems but, still, a good show that I'd give three and a half bottles of Mickey's Malt Liquor out of four to. Mickey's: More malt liquor than I can handle.