Bikini Crisis at the South Pacific Games

by Kyle Smith, Doberman On The Diamond

Women's beach volleyball holds a dear place in the hearts of men across the world. We had a perfectly legitimate excuse if the wife/girlfriend wanted to know why we were intently fantasizing watching two women run around in bikinis - our love of sports. We strictly wanted to watch the athleticism and grace of professional athletes at the top of their game try to achieve victory.

And now, the evil dictators of the South Pacific Games are taking that away from men across the Pacific region. The games, held in Samoa, are banning female beach volleyball players from wearing bikinis.

What could possibly lead the Samoans to make this decision? Australian News interviewed Bryan Milikin, volleyball spokesman for the South Pacific Games, and he offered this explanation:

"In the Pacific the women are sensitive to the fact that perhaps their brothers might be around or their uncles or whoever, even though they are probably very comfortable not wearing much. It is just the fact that family might be around and people who are not supposed to see your body are going to see it."

Because their family might see it? What kind of an excuse is that? If the players' families don't want to see it, they can stay home. But to ruin it for the rest of us is just mean.

Alas, this is not the first time conservative Samoan culture has had a say in what athletes can and cannot do. More from Australian News:

"Samoa's conservative culture came under scrutiny in the lead-up to the games when team managers issued a memo banning their athletes from gay and lesbian sex during the event."

That seems like an odd rule. I guess that means it's okay for straight people to bump uglies, but those gays better not do it.

So Samoa banned two pure, wonderful things from the South Pacific Games: Bikinis and lesbian sex. The horror.

The question I'm sure you're all asking is, if they can't wear bikinis, what will their outfit be?

"Instead (of bikinis) women at the games will wear shorts and cropped sports tops."

Female beach volleyball players in shorts and sports tops. That's just wrong. In fact, it's downright immoral. Because beach volleyball players should look like this. Or this. This would work as well. Along with this look. Not to mention this great ensemble. I'm pretty sure this is a good look as well. Come to think of it, I also like these outfits. And these, too. There's always room for this type of wardrobe. This kind too. Even if the bikini gets dirty and sandy, it still should be allowed. Samoa, are you telling me this, this, this and this is inappropriate? I think I speak for most when I say that it is not.

All we can do is pray that the rest of the world does not latch on to this cruel and vicious rule. Slowly, civil liberties around the world are going by the wayside. First bikinis. Next, our very freedom.