FANTASY FORTUNE TELLER: JUST PRETEND YOU'RE NOT 0-2

by , Arrowhead Addict

NFL week three is almost here, and the Hollywood A-Trains, my most important fantasy football team, have gotten off to a disappointing 0-2 start.

How in the hell did this happen to me? I'm a former fantasy football champ who's covered the game for years now. Besides, my draft plan was executed perfectly, all the way down to taking underrated steals nobody else wanted -- like Ahman Green and Wes Welker.

After throwing myself a pity party that none of my so-called Carny friends even attended, I came to a realization: I haven't done anything wrong, I've just had awful, horrible, terrible f*cking luck.

Neither one of my first two picks -- running backs Cedric Benson and Laurence Maroney -- has scored a touchdown yet. My starting quarterback, Donovan McNabb, has been even worse. And now wide receiver Andre Johnson, easily my best player so far, is injured. He'll miss what would have been a shootout against the Colts.

Still, I've really made all the right calls. I picked my currently underachieving stars for a reason -- to play them. Other than sticking to my guns, my other decisions have been the right ones as well. What gives? More points have been scored against me (207) than any other team, that's what gives. Last week I would have beaten all except two of the other 11 teams and lost.

Regardless of my luck, isn't this week's game still a must win? Basically, yeah. Should I panic? No.

I'm going to read my own fortune to keep myself and all of you other desperate 0-2 fantasy owners from doing anything stupid this weekend (and, no, I'm not talking about that sea donkey you're going home with early Saturday morning either):

• Just calm down, psycho, you'll keep making the right calls. After the early games last week -- when Frank Gore and Ocho Cinco roasted me before my very eyes, thanks to the money-grubbing bastards over at DirecTV -- I decided to start Wes Welker over Patrick Crayton as my No. 2 WR. Many experts expected Crayton to go off, but I knew I needed guaranteed points. Welker had the better game the week before, and, more importantly, was targeted way more (9-4). Welker finished with eight catches for 91 yards, while Crayton was shut out. Did I win? No. But Welker got me close enough to where a better game from McNabb or a touchdown from either of my backs would have won it. Even though I lost, I need to remember that I made the right call. That will keep me from second guessing myself and making a mistake. Being 0-2 doesn't mean you have to be reckless. It just means that you have to continue to do research and put your team in a position to score on Sunday. Go over and check out looks and touches over at Yahoo! That tool always makes the toughest of choices easier, especially WR wise.
  

• Hate your underachieving star running backs. Call them worthless pieces of shit. But keep starting them. It will pay off eventually. In my most important two leagues, my top running backs are Benson, Maroney, Maurice Jones-Drew and Willie Parker. I've gotten zero touchdowns from those clowns thus far. ZERO! What's more likely given both what we knew and what we thought about these players coming into this season: That this trend continues or reverses? I'm gonna say that the trend reverses. Parker has gone off, he just hasn't scored. Bill Belichick is obviously both intent on making teams respect the Pats' passing game and resting Maroney's shoulder. Benson has played against two very good defenses, yet he's done at least decent. And MJD has just gotten off to a slow start. Early in the season things are crazy. Offensive coordinators botch calls. Teams want to exploit sloppy defenses by passing often. Star running backs who didn't get very many touches in the preseason are both brought along slowly and rested for the stretch run. Offensive lines haven't gelled. You get the point. Steven Jackson started off slow last year, but finished up having a monster season. Same with MJD. What I'm trying to say is that you'll have more luck sticking with your start backs than freaking out and going with DeShawn Wynn on Sunday just because he came out of nowhere and went off last week.
  

• Trade bench talent for talent you can play now. It just might win this week's game for you. I examined my roster after last week's heartbreaker to see if I had anyone I could move. I did. I had both Chris Cooley and Kellen Winslow, two top-notch tight ends, or one too many. I decided to hold on to Winslow, the better player, and try to trade Cooley for some help at the wide receiver position since A.J. is injured. I found a team that was desperate for a tight end, and got him to send me Bernard Berrian. Not the best receiver out there, but the numbers show that: A.) He's Rex Grossman's favorite target; and B.) A No. 1 receiver has gone off against the Cowboys each week so far. Even if he got the better of our deal, I'd rather have Berrian help me pull off a win this week than Cooley posting another nice game on my bench in a loss. Basically, don't worry about depth now, because if you don't win now the season might already be over.
  

• Exercising patience will allow you to exact revenge. Remember Carson Palmer's slow start last year? Do you also remember how he caught on fiya after the first few games? He was slowed down at first by an off-season knee surgery. Remembering that neat little history lesson, as well as Donovan McNabb's past successes, should I: Drop McNabb after cursing him and his camera-hogging mama out? Or B.) Should I watch things finally start to click for McNabb this Sunday against the vastly overrated Lions. The answer is B. We all know that McNabb isn't finished, and we all also know that the Lions secondary is about as slow as Britney's dance moves were at the VMAs. Sometimes it takes balls to make such a connection. Some people would even say it takes stupidity. Nonsense. Why would you pay more attention to two weeks than the rest of recent history? That just doesn't make any sense. Don't ignore the past two weeks, but definitely don't ignore everything that preceded it either. Otherwise you'll end up starting Derek Anderson over Drew Brees the week His Birthmarkedness finally breaks out.

The Week Three Fortune Summary:

Fantasy football isn't any different than real football. Do you think the Chargers are going to scrap their entire offense because it didn't work against the Bears and Patriots? No chance. 0-2 fantasy owners shouldn't scrap their gameplans either. Fantasy football is a tough racket. Coaches don't divulge how they are going to use their players, or even who's hurt. Players don't tell you when they're going to go off or choke. Fantasy "gurus" like myself can't give you all the answers. Those things aren't going to change, so if you're looking for sure-fire answers... um, your fortune is that you're fucked.

All you can do is keep using your brain, remembering what has worked for you in your fantasy past (no, not the one where you had a girlfriend, loser). Trade your depth for starters, work the waiver wire all the way to kickoff and, most of all, don't panic. Keep on keeping on, and don't pull an Owen Wilson just yet. More often than not, both the schedule and the lucky breaks will even out for you, but you have to help yourself by staying smart for that to happen.