A GUIDE TO BEING COOL

by Davey, Blown Coverage

So, you are one of those people that sucks at sports and every time you pick up a ball, you show the athletic ability of a paralyzed mountain goat. While the jocks spend their nights having back-breaking sex, you sit at home watching reruns of "Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends".

If that's the case, you have as much chance at scoring chicks as this guy, only he's working with a sweet ass computer, something that you can't say. But not to worry. Since I'm well hung and sweat awesomeness on a daily basis, I'll share some steps that'll have you earning cool points in absolutely no time.

1. Find a gimmick.

Step one to being "cool" is finding some sort of gimmick or group to belong to. It will work even better if it's something edgy and that will bring you attention. Since I'm kind and like to help old ladies cross the street, I'll do some work for you and help you out with the decision making.

Groups you want to belong to...
- Skater
- Surfer
- Extreme Rocker
- Band member
- Stoner
- Guy that can dance "Soulja Boy"
- Criminal
- Punk
- Rich guy that throws around money and immediately gets friends because he's filthy rich

Groups you DON'T want to belong to...
- Guy that talks about his Macintosh computer
- Guy that argues why Linux is better than Windows
- Guy that argues why Sabermetric stats are better than traditional stats
- Guy that plays World of Warcraft 'till he gets a seizure
- Weird foreign kid
- Guy that has an ant farm
- Guy that has a "sports blog"
















Ok, now let's say you picked "Extreme Rocker" from that first list. The next step is to pull that bad boy off.

2. Pull that bad boy off.

Here's where the real work starts. As you can see in the above picture, Christopher and Sebastian have done their research well. Face paint? Check. Very awesome looking spike things around their arms and neck? Check. Generic black band shirt? Check. Weapon to be used to kill a small, furry animal? Check and check.

So, they've got the look down, but now they have to act the part. Remember now, no more listening to Hanson and Bryan Adams. It's to crank that hardcore Dimmu Borgir stuff. From now on, any music that doesn't contain lyrics about a dark troll that bathes in goat's blood is to be deemed inferior. You're angry at life so the music you listen to has to be even angrier...

3. Walk around your nice suburban neighborhood with a long face.

This is the key right here. You've got the cool threads from Hot Topic, you have ordered the cool tunes from Amazon, but now you have to show your displeasure to everyone else. Nothing says "Don't mess with me" quite like walking around with a pissed off expression.

Man, does your life suck. No one understands you. You want to be dead. Awesome, now pout with all that face paint on. It will make your point. Remember that you get bonus points if you hurt yourself and if you get into flame wars on message boards on why the newest In Flames album sucked.

So yes, if you follow these simple steps, you'll go from being a nobody to being "cool" overnight. Heads will turn, people will notice....and you you might even start scoring some tail if you play your cards right. Yes sir, no more lonely, violent masturbation for you. I guarantee it!


* Author's note : Do not follow this advice. If you actually attempt to walk around like those two guys, I will personally run you over with my car. Those two young gentlemen are as hardcore as the color lavender and need to be beaten with a rusty aluminum bat.