HOUSE OF MIRRORS: WHAT COULD STOP YOU FROM WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL?

by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap

History is full of great debate. Questions that remain unanswered like "what came first the chicken or the egg?" or "can you get pregnant through anal?" Luckily for you - the huddled masses - Epic Carnival is here to settle these arguments once and for all. House of Mirrors is your favorite Carnies taking a look at one another and debating the mysteries of the universe. This week the EC writers debate "Under what conditions would you *not* watch the Super Bowl?"

DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool: It's Super Bowl Sunday, and my Eagles are playing the hated Patriots in a a rematch of Super Bowl 39 (I use Arabic numbers to stick it to the Ro-Man). I'm barricaded in my Basement Man Space, with the non-sports-watching family upstairs. Surround sound is pumped, I've lifted weights for the last two hours in a fit of nervous energy, and all of the cock-tease years are about to come crashing down -- as twelve starting Patriots have all been busted on an HGH sting in the bye week. Vegas took the line off the board after it got to 20. It's as close to a coronation as will ever been seen in a Super Bowl.

Five minutes before kickoff, I hear a knock on the basement door. I open it, and out walks ! a much older me, carrying a loaded handgun. The older me tells me that he's come from the future with an urgent message -- that the Birds are going to jump out to a huge lead, decapitate Brady, and then piss away a 31 point lead in the fourth quarter on bad officiating, otherworldly luck, and a clear middle finger from God Almighty that the team is just never, ever going to win the Big Game.

Older Me is the real deal: he can answer intimate questions about my life. He shows me pictures of my kids growing up, their grandkids. He tells me about how my writing has become critically acclaimed, and how I've made more money than I ever believed possible -- but that the memory of the Super Bowl loss has haunted me for decades. He then says, "You know what you need to do," and fades away.

I twirl the handgun around in my hands. I hear my kids playing upstairs. I see the Eagles come out of the locker room. I think. And think.

And then, as the kickoff is in the air, I fire the gun into the television, Elvis-style, gently put the gun away, go upstairs to play with my kids, and never watch another minute of NFL football for the rest of my life.

WCK, 100% Injury Rate: If I were dead.

Simple, yet deep.

BD, Sports Show On Mute: I'd either have to be dead or in the middle of an orgy that features myself and four women. Then again, there is one other way. If I were [doing some fun things to] either Jessica Alba or Biel. That's about it. Otherwise I'm half drunk and watching the Super Bowl.

SportsGirl365, Strike Zones and End Zones: No way. Even in the event of an orgy, that's what halftime is for.

dswinder, Sons of Sam Malone: Sarah's right...In my experience, halftime orgies are, BY FAR, the best kind and only way to go so as to miss absolutely NO football action...Really, who needs to see Janet Jackson's right tit-tay anyway?

BD: I stand corrected. Maybe I overestimated how long I'd last. Then again the Super Bowl halftime show is about a half hour. Plenty of time.

Hank Worrell, Winning the Turnover Battle: About the only way I wouldn't watch the Super Bowl would be if it was Comboys vs. Patriots. I wouldn't be able to stand watching the game knowing there would be no happy ending. Kind of like what a national championship game between Oklahoma and Notre Dame would feel like. Vomit.

Davey, Blown Coverage: Giants vs. Colts.

Manning vs. Manning. I will probably give up on sports should that ever happen...

The Original JD, Six Pack Sports Report: The only way that I would not watch the Super Bowl would be if Bill Belichick calls me the night before the game and asks me to video tape assistant coaches for him. Otherwise it's by far my favorite Sunday of the year and I wouldn't miss it for anything.

Brian P. Foley, The College Baseball Blog: If I spent the night with Jessica Alba.

Sterling Gould, More Credible: I would not watch the super bowl if I was getting some ass.

Don, With Malice...: Given that the Super Bowl occurs for me on Monday mornings... I'd have to state that the only thing that could stop me from not watching it would be... work. At least if I can't finagle my way out of it!

Adam Best, Arrowhead Addict: I would not watch the Super Bowl if it featured those snore-inducing San Antonio Spurs. They are so good -- and, more importantly, so determined to make me a miserable sports fan -- that they could find a way to defy logic and meet the New England Patriots in The Big Game. That's about the only thing that could kill my interest, not to mention the ratings.

DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap: The only way I would not watch the Super Bowl is if the Lingerie Bowl was expanded to a full three hours. And the only way any of these guys (including me) would be having any sex with Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel would be if they were actually in that very same Super Bowl, so that ain't happenin'.