INTRODUCING TIPS FROM LISTON pt.2 (updated with a Bonus tip at 9/15 10:31)

by Liston, Introducing Liston

I'm Liston and I'm cool. Like, real cool. I wear black gloves and say things like, "dope" and "rad". I live in my own efficiency apartment and pay half of my the rent. My car has a bumper sticker that says "I'd rather be blogging". I have a samurai sword in my living room. This regular feature is called "Introducing Tips from Liston" That's me. I'm Liston and I'm cool. Let's get started.

This week's tip: How to get people to stop asking you to see pictures of your newborn baby.

(I know, it's a bit specific, but this information is a must-know for guys. Kinda like knowing how to flush a radiator or how to guilt a girl into touching your balls at the movies.)

Having a baby is cool, for about 3 days. After that, it totally blows. Your no longer "Liston", you're "Johnny's daddy". You're no longer the man of the house. You're a man in the house. Nobody cares if you played college football or can play Dance Dance revolution like a mutha or if you met the black guy from the movie NERDS at the airport one time. All anyone wants to talk about, or ask you about, is the baby. How's the baby? Did the baby sleep well last night? What color was the baby's poop? Should you be holding that baby by it's neck? Is your baby playing with a plastic bag right now? Blah, Blah. Blah.

I lasted about one week at my job with people, strangers even, asking to see pictures of my baby. After that, I couldn't take it anymore. So I devised a set of responses so masterful that after only two days of it's implementation nobody asked me to see another baby picture.

(I just realized that you could also use these responses if someone keeps asking to see pictures of anything really. Just change the word "baby" with what they are asking you for, like your cat or your sister's tits or whatever.)

The next time someone asks to for pictures of your baby:

• say, "Yeah I got some baby pictures. I got your baby pictures right here." and then grab your crotch.


• say, "I have these. These were taken when he was really, really young." and then show them a picture of your balls.


• Show them pictures of arbitrary items like a baby cougar or a treasure chest or an anthill and say, "He's cute, right? We are just so blessed." and then just stare right in their eyes.


• (when a man asks you) respond excitedly, "Why? You wanna jerk off to 'em? You're into kiddie porn too?! Can I see pictures of your kids?!"


• (when a woman asks you) say, "Baby pictures? Pfft. Only fags carry around baby pictures. I got some pictures of me trying to make a baby if you're interested in those."

Those are pretty much guaranteed to work.

introducingliston@gmail.com

Bonus Tip: If you're at home and you don't want to hold a baby at all then do the same thing you do when you don't want to wash dishes; just start dropping 'em. It works fast too, because you gotta drop like, three or four dishes before your wife tells you not to wash you the dishes anymore, but you only gotta drop a baby once before your not allowed to hold him. And it helps if you drop him on something hard like the edge of a street curb or something.