INTRODUCING TIPS FROM LISTON pt.3

by Liston, Introducing Liston

I'm Liston and I'm cool. Like, real cool. I wear black gloves and say things like, "dope" and "rad". I live in my own efficiency apartment and pay half of my the rent. My car has a bumper sticker that says "I'd rather be blogging". I have a samurai sword in my living room. I'm good with a pocket knife. This regular feature is called "Introducing Tips from Liston" That's me. I'm Liston and I'm cool.

I propose a new rule: If you have a lazy eye you are obligated to identify it at the beginning of every conversation. I mean, let's face facts; your eyes creep everybody out. I'm not trying to be a dick, it's the truth. As a matter of fact, I read somewhere that people with lazy eyes are 3rd on the list of "Most Creepy Things" (right behind 1. Midgets with lazy eyes and 2. Midgets).

I get it, it sucks, you have a lazy eye, whatever. Are we really going to try to ignore it? I know there's something wrong, you know there's something wrong. Let's not dance around it. It's like a special kiss from God. Be proud of it. Nevermind. What you should do is blame your parents. They probably did something terrible to make God hate them so much. That's really the only logical reason. But it doesn't do anybody any good by ignoring it. I get tired of making up excuses to not look you in the eyes. We both know that nothing strange is going on behind me that would dictate me turning around to check it out every few seconds. It's your eyes, freakshow. I have a general idea what time it is and I know that my fingernails aren't dirty. I'm staring at the clock and picking at my fingernails because it's making me nauseous having to bounce back and forth from one of your eyes to the other like I'm watching a frigg'n tennis match.

That brings up to this:

This week's super helpful tip: Ways to let people know which one of your creepy eyes is the lazy one so they don't have to guess.

1. The easiest way to identify your good eye is to just start everything you ever say with, "My [right/left] eye is the one you should be looking at..." For example, "My left eye is the one you should be looking at and this turkey wrap is delicious?" or "My left eye is the one you should be looking at and SOMEBODY CALL 911 MY MOTHER IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK!". I believe this is a completely reasonable request and isn't inconvenient for anybody involved. (Except for you, but you have a lazy eye so your vote only counts for 3/5 anyway. Kinda like a black person.)

A convenient and thoughtful way to let people
know about your hideous deformity.

2. The most considerate thing to do to make sure that people know which one of your creepy peepers is the one to focus on is to wear a t-shirt everyday that tells them which one to look at. Most times a t-shirt won't be enough nullify the hideousness of your lazy eye so you should also tattoo an arrow on your face that points to the good eye. Follow the advice of this tip and, well, you'll still have a lazy eye but at least people won't have to play the "Guess which eye to look at" game.

T-shirt that identifies good eye? Check.
Tattoo on face that also helps identify good eye? Check.
This girl is doing her part. Are you?

3. The coolest way to let people know which one of your eyes is the bad one is to wear a cool monocle over it. Evil villains wear monocles. Evil villains also have gross stuff wrong with them. (Like they have an under grown baby arm or they have a deformed face or they are a Mexican) So if you wear a monocle over your gross eye you'll be like an evil villain with the super power to gross people out.

What's this guy's evil villain name? You guessed it; The Wanderer.
(Other names considered: Crazy Lazy Eye Guy, Lazy McLazyson, Lazytron)

There you have it. Remember, God is punishing you by giving you that gross eye, not us, so make it easy for people to find the good one. It's the considerate thing to do.

introducingliston@gmail.com