INTRODUCING TIPS FROM LISTON pt.4

by Liston, Introducing Liston

I'm Liston and I'm cool. Like, real cool. I wear black gloves and say things like, "dope" and "rad". I live in my own efficiency apartment and pay half of the rent. My car has a bumper sticker that says "Liquor in the front, poker in the rear". I have a samurai sword in my living room. I'm good with a pocket knife. This regular feature is called "Introducing Tips from Liston" That's me. I'm Liston and I'm cool.

You know what's cool? Samurai swords. You know what's cooler than samurai swords? Loving Jesus. That's right, loving Jesus is so boss. Sometimes I just walk around wearing a hat that says "I love Jesus" and try and make eye contact with as many people as possible. Strangers love when you come up to them and start talking about Jesus. It's totally normal and not uncomfortable at all.

If you love Jesus then you get to live in Heaven when you die and Heaven is like, probably cooler than Schlitterbahn. I imagine heaven to be real Schlitterbahn-y with all these rad water slides and everyone is good at skateboarding and it rains marshmallows. Doesn't that sound rad? Don't you want to spend eternity kicking it with Jesus at a Schlitterbahn type place riding a skateboard and munching out on some marshmallows? I know I do! That brings us to this weeks tip...

This week's tip: How to get into Heaven.

There are a bunch of things you can do to get into Heaven. Here's some of them:

1. Do things Jesus loves. Whenever you want someone to like you all you have to do is pretend like you like what they like and then they think you're cool. So if you run into Jesus casually mention to Him that you love you what he loves, which includes things like: scrapbooking (but only digital scrapbooking. Jesus thinks regular scrapbooking is for fags), playing freeze tag or Candyland, and daydreaming about what rainbows tastes like. (Here's a hint: they're delicious.)
   



2. Go to Church and give them a lot of money. Nothing proves your love for the Lord like giving Him straight cash, homie. It's inappropriate as an anniversary gift for your wife but it's perfect for the son of God. I mean, he needs it you know? I guess you gotta pay for stuff in Heaven or something.
   



3. Drive Fords not Chevys. Chevy is the official sponsor of the Fox halftime show and Hell. As a matter of fact, the devil drives a sweet Chevy Cobalt. Fact.
   



4. Don't be a Jew. Duh.
   



5. Pray. I pray everyday. Praying is awesome. You can pray for anything and if God likes you then he will give it to you. It's like when you visit some hussy's live web cam show to watch her masturbate and on the toolbar there is a "wish list" of things she'd like people to buy for her. Praying is just like that, except with God. One time I prayed for my penis to be bigger and two days later my grandpa died. So don't pray for your penis to grow bigger or your grandpa will die. I learned that the hard way.
   



6. Learn magic. I'm not really sure if Jesus loves magic but you should learn it anyway. I mean, magic is frigg'n boss. It's like this: Are you having some hot chick blow you right now? Nope. Are you doing magic right now? Also nope. That's not a coincidence, that's a cause and effect relationship, sir. It's just good logic.
   

Now you're going to Heaven. Later.

Liston