An Irishman's Trip into the Lion's Den

by WCT, Wasting Company Time

Last Saturday, everyone's favorite EC commentor FightingIrishman made the trek from New York City to Happy Valley for the Notre Dame Penn State game. For at least part of the day, he was sober enough to chronicle the days events. After the jump, we bring you the story of an Irishman's journey behind enemy lines.

After spending my entire Saturday tailgating among 150,000 Penn State fans, I'm still alive to bare witness to it all. The was debauchery, mayhem, and binge drinking at it's very very finest. But also their camaraderie, pride, and hospitality earned this rabid hodgepodge of people and personalities my respect. Here are some highlights (and lowlights) of my whirlwind day tailgating in University Park:

6:00 am--After meeting up with my buddy Matt and a gang of his friends in Williamsport, we begin the one hour trip to College Park at this UNGODLY hour for reasons not completely understood, yet. Unfortunately, my lifelong dream of visiting the Little League World Series National Museum will have to wait.

-Everyone seems cool, until I put on my ND cap. I feel like I'm walking through the Kremlin circa 1985 wearing an "I love NY" T-shirt and and the American flag parachute pants from Napoleon Dynamite. I take the abuse in stride because it's to be expected; I think it'll be like the Sharks vs. the Jets the rest of the day.

-One other note: The guys chipped in and bought a 1978 beat up winnebago that looks exactly like MTV's Road Rules wagon if a gang of thugs had taken baseball bats to it. They even had the cattle skull with horns on the front bumper (they get props for painting this relic Navy and white).

6:42 am--As I ride with Matt behind the winnie, the fellas, already about 4 beers deep, took it upon themselves to moon us. One goes the extra mile and performs the rarely seen "mangina." I feel like I'm watching Silence of the Lambs. And I'm just as terrified.

7:30 am--We've arrived. As I walk into the belly of the beast, I'm greeted with a Bourbon slushie and some gentle ribbing. I've been known to throw back a potent potable or three, but I've never had the pleasure of starting my day off with some Tastykakes and hard alcohol. I'm told it's the breakfast of champions, and that's really all the coaxing I need.

8:00 am--There has to be 40,000 people already, some camped out Friday and are making this a weekend tailgate. I now understand the 6:00 AM departure as there are a seemingly endless line of cars waiting and jockying for prime space in the massive fields in the shadow of Beaver Stadium.

8:30 am--Gameday is here! We briefly talk about going into the moshpit to try to get on TV. The idea immediately loses steam when it's revealed you can't drink in that area because they don't want that on TV.

(Note: wasn't "Gameday" in Baton Rouge for the Virginia Tech-LSU game? Oh man, he's drunk AND hallucinating...)

9:00 am--Navy and white as far as the eye can see. The tailgate around the winnie is in full swing, and the ranks have swelled to more than 20. There are 7 large coolers filled with Milwaukee's best, Keystone Light, PBR, LaBatt Blue and Nati Light! If someone asked me to name the 5 worst beers in the world, 4 of these might make my list, but i'm loving it.

10:00 am--I've been personally reminded that "ND sucks" 276 times.

10:01 am--Make that 278.

11:00 am--After watching hoards of PSU fans walking around with "Notre Dame Sucks" shirts on (can you put ANY thought into it?), finally a diamond in the rough. I see a "Rudy was Offsides" shirt. Simple, witty, and hilarious. I like the shirts that don't make the easy joke like "Notre Lame." On the whole, the most shameful merchandising effort since Red Sox vendors started selling "JETER HAS AIDS" shirts a few years back.

11:46 am--Matt, doing his best Will Farrell impression, "it's so damn hot. PBR was a BAD choice!"

11:57 am--Some geniuses set up a plasma TV with speakers so we could watch College Gameday. Corso likes PSU 41-17, and Herbstreit agrees it'll be a blowout. Say it ain't so Herbie! Is it just me, or is Lee Corso becoming a caricature of himself? He kinda reminds me of a toned down Dick Vitale. That's too harsh, Corso is still watchable.

12:30 am--They're deep frying two 20 lb. turkeys. I went to school in New York City, so I haven't been introduced to this tradition. I'm told all one needs is "Five gallons of peanut oil and a big damn flame." After nearly five hours of drinking, I'm thinking the boozehound getting the fire started is gonna....yup, he just set his hand on fire!

--By the way, the turkey was legit. Much better than anything I've had on my Thanksgiving table, sorry grandma

1:00 pm--Lunch was great. Mmmm, so many encased meats. I decided to walk around and check out other tailgates. The biggest crowd-pleaser was a sideshow act some students put together that involved a dunktank with a guy propped up above wearing an ND Leprechaun outfit. They even imitated carney folk yelling, "step right up and sink the Irish!"

2:00 pm--A heated debate begins as everyone ponders the question, who was the best LB ever to play at PSU? Those in the minority like Dan Connor, but Lavar Arrington wins by a nose. They call him "LT Jr." and speak of him in hushed tones. It starts to remind me of the old SNL sketches about DA BEARS! I can't help but imagine this exchange in my head:
"Ok, Penn State LaVar vs. the 2006 Indianapolis Colts, who wins?"
"No contest, Arrington 112, the Colts 3. LAAAA-VAR!!"

2:45 pm--Matt comments on the "gorgeous Tiffany's bracelet" some girl is wearing and gets LAMBASTED by everyone around him for immediately recognizing that it was Tiffany's. Hilarity ensues thanks to Matt's overt metrosexuality.

(Note: there is nothing wrong with recognizing a Tiffany bracelet. And it sounds like Matt's comment was just an ill-conceived attempt to hook up with the girl anyway, so I can't fault a guy for that.)

3:40 pm--Patron and Courvoisier bottles are now being passed around. This seems to me like the kiss of Death, and most of us should be fleeing the scene in horror at this point, but of course good sense never finds it's way onto a PSU campus! (I had to take an easy shot).

-Also, I find it hilarious that people have Nati Light in one hand, and a bottle of Courvoisier in the other. They really classed things up with the hard booze.

5:00 pm--I blacked out, what did I miss? Michigan is down 32-7 to Oregon! The fans here couldn't be more happy to see a rival's sudden fall from grace. Lloyd Carr took one more step today towards "early retirement".

5:30 pm--As we funnel into the stadium, I realize that a quarter of the tailgaters don't have tickets and will head to local bars or, if their lucky, huddle around plasmas outside the stadium. There has to be 30,000 rooting on their team from the outside looking in and that garners respect.

Overall, I give the pomp and pageantry in Happy Valley an A. After the initial verbal assaults, everyone on the whole was genuine and down to earth. The hospitality was unexpected, and I hope to go back in two years to watch ND shock the Penn State faithful!


Some thoughts on the game:

--The ghost of Knute Rockne should school Jimmy Claussen on the wonderful new innovation called the FORWARD PASS! I swear to God I think the ball is superglued to his hands. I know I know he's a true freshman, it's just frustrating to watch. No offensive TD's, plus the only pass he completely for more than 15 yds was called back for holding.

--Penn State's Defense is swarming, and although I dismissed Connor earlier as a great LB, he flies to the ball and anchors the team. Maybe the ND offense isn't the best litmus test, but I think PSU's defense can hang with almost anyone.

--Derrick Williams was the most hyped recruit of the 2005 class. Now, after a lackluster sophomore campaign, he looks poised to do big things this year. His punt return for a TD was all Instinct, and they didn't let him down. He looks 2 steps faster than everyone else on the field.

--October 13th will decide the Big 10 champion when Wisconsin comes to Happy Valley. That should be a great game, but if the atmosphere is anything like it was today, 110,078 Nittany Lions losing their minds, the Badgers will be swallowed whole.

--Beaver stadium seats 107,000 people, so how is the attendance 110,078? Is there standing room? Can someone explain the extra 3,078?

--The stadium was so loud you could feel the vibrations in your chest. After every Penn State TD, the concrete underneath me felt like I was bouncing on jello! According to the guys I was with, the stadium was "built to give under the weight of the fans". That sounds like something a lazy engineer says during testing.

--Next week Notre Dame squares of against Michigan. It's ND's anemic offense vs Michigan's swiss cheese defense. Someone's GOTTA win!

Slainte!