IT DIDN'T TAKE VERY LONG FOR THIS TO TURN SOUR

by Davey, Blown Coverage

It's been about six months since Miami signed Joey Porter, but I've already had it with him. I know it's only been three regular season games so far and that a lot can still happen, but I'm not the most optimistic person in the world right now.

See, like I've said before, Joey Porter was never a favorite of mine. I hated him deeply when he was with the Steelers, and when Miami signed him to that big contract, it made me go through all of those phases but finally I managed to talk myself into liking the move.

Here's what eventually convinced me that would happen...

"After that, it's time for acceptance. You realize that it's better to just accept what's happened and try to move forward. Here's where the mind starts to rationalize positively and you actually start to feel good about the whole thing.

You say things like "Hmmmm, Joey Porter is a great guy to bring in for our defense. We're going to be even better now. Sweet..."

And then, you just get batsh*t crazy and you start to ramble incoherently about the impending doom that awaits the opposing teams.

"We're going to f*ck Chad Pennington up!!!!!"

So yeah, I just moved into the acceptance stage and I'm embracing the fact that our defense will be even better than it was the year before. It's (relatively) younger, faster and the aggression has just risen like Jay in front of Jessica Alba.

Joey Porter, Jason Taylor, Zach Thomas, Channing Crowder and Matt Roth will now bring so much heat that the sun will start to sweat. It'll be so aggressive and dominating that it will keep Tom Brady from impregnating Gisele Bundchen. Thomas Jones just requested a trade out of New York, just to avoid the massive beating that his organs will be receiving soon. See, now I'm in that batsh*t crazy zone..."

Yeah, I'd like to take that back. The fact that Chad Pennington had a rushing touchdown last week on a bum ankle while the Jets put up 31 points on our defense is also not sitting very well with me right now.

So, let's have a look at what Joey Porter has brought to this team so far, after signing that big 5-year deal...

- Got into a fight in Las Vegas with Levi Jones. His gang supposedly jumped Levi, taking away any street cred he had left.
- Had knee surgery and missed the entire pre-season.
- Was on the sideline in overtime as Washington drove for the winning field goal in week 1.
- Was basically invisible during the Dallas loss.
- Talked trash with Darien Barners, the Jets FULLBACK before the game last week (the punter was obviously not available for trash talk). The defense promptly goes out then and gives up 31 points following that pathetic exchange.
- Is now guaranteeing a win against Oakland this weekend. As if Daunte Culpepper needed more incentive to beat Miami when he gets the start on Sunday.

Yeah, that's an extremely awesome signing so far. And by "awesome" I mean that it's making me scrape my tongue on hot shards of glass.

Oh, and what the f*ck is going on in this picture? Is he sweating...did Pacman Jones just make it rain or was he just defiled by a large group of men?? Someone needs to clear this up...

(Originally published 9/28)