THE MAIN ATTRACTION: THE KINGDOM

by , Arrowhead Addict

(The Main Attraction is a new feature that takes a look at the biggest silver screen news -- with a sports twist. TMA will run every Friday morning here at Epic Carnival.)

This week's biggest silver screen release, Universal's The Kingdom, and Robert Kraft's Kingdom, the New England Patriots, share a few things in common.

For instance, check out the stars of each "kingdom":

Jamie Foxx. Randy Moss. Two black, famous, well-built divas. Both of them also have five letters in their first names and four in their last.

Tom Brady is a Boston guy who recently knocked up an actress. Jennifer Garner is an actress who recently got knocked up by a Boston guy.

Bill Belichick and Chris Cooper are also alike, as both are always bullying around their adversaries when we see them onscreen.

That is where the similarities end, though.

Director Peter Berg's The Kingdom hasn't received glowing reviews, as only 46% of the critics on Rotten Tomatoes currently recommend the action-drama.

Head Coach Belichick's kingdom has received glowing reviews, as the Patriots sit atop nearly every pundit's power rankings.

And while The Kingdom seems like a movie we've already seen three or four times, this latest installment of the Patriots may be the most entertaining version yet.

Garner, Foxx and Jeremy "Ari Gold" Piven are extremely hard to take seriously when the backdrop is the Middle East. Haven't we already seen Foxx in two horrible military flicks during the past few years (Jarhead and Stealth)? And when did Garner or Piven last have a silver screen hit?

On the other hand, Belichick, Brady, Moss and Co. are impossible to not take very seriously, especially when the setting is the lackluster AFC East. Sure, Moss blew the past couple of years, but that was while he was playing for the Oakland Raiders. If those Raiders teams were a film, the Silver and Black wouldn't be Jarhead or Stealth bad, but instead something more along the lines of a straight-to-DVD Wesley Snipes flick. Plus, Moss has never, ever had a co-star like Brady, a coach like Belichick or a defense like the Pats.

When it's all said and done, the two kingdoms will have distinctly different fates.

The Kingdom won't win any Academy Awards. Actually, it might even win a Razzie or two (OK, maybe not... this year's field does include unwatchable garbage like Ghost Rider, Norbit and Wild Hogs). Really, the best this film can hope for is that people don't walk right by it when it hits Blockbuster, or change the channel when they come home drunk at 3 am and see it on Starz. I just watched The Kingdom and actually did wish I was throwing back shots instead of handfuls of popcorn. It might have worked if that was the case.

The Patriots will be the next Super Bowl Champs. Barring catastrophe, I can all but guarantee that. Belichick's crew might even be good enough to match the '72 Dolphins perfect record of 16-0. I've already seen enough of the plot to know where the story is headed. So, if you are a fan of another team, again, it might be more enjoyable to take this season down with a little liquor.

My Review: 2 1/2 stars (out of 5)

There's only one kingdom here, and it plays next Monday, not in theaters everywhere starting today.

The Carny Approved "Now Playing" List:

3:10 to Yuma - Christian Bale and Russell Crowe tear sh** up in this remake of the classic western. Even better than director James Mangold's last effort, Walk the Line.

Eastern Promises - I haven't seen this one, but an 89% fresh rating bodes well. Also, director David Cronenberg and Viggo Mortenson made magic the last time they teamed up (A History of Violence).