A MAMETOLOGICAL STUDY OF THE BEST SPORTS STORIES OF THE WEEK

by Andrew, The Grand National Championships

Have any of you read Bambi vs. Godzilla? No? (You really should. Angry David Mamet is awesome.) Anyways, within this fine piece of nonfiction is a simple litmus test for a quality story. Answer these three questions effectively, and you have a real live story line.

Who wants what from whom? What happens if they don't get it? And why now?

An example? Let's take Kentucky. They wanted a win from their in-state rival, Louisville. If they didn't get it, they would lose their best shot at legitimacy, not to mention any talk of Andre Woodson having a big year would be silenced. And for sports? Why now is pretty self-explanatory.

Kentucky played Louisville.

Fact is, why now is the easiest piece of the puzzle for a good storyline. The 7 seed trying to crash the NCAA Tournament doesn't exactly work in September. The Baseball time trying to take the last step out of the wilderness and into the playoffs doesn't work in October. It's just how things roll.

But you want the great Mamet storylines of the next seven days? I have three.

South Carolina

The Gamecocks are the #12 team in the Country, but that's a paper tiger ranking for a lot of people. They think this an 8 win team at best. The Cocks think otherwise. They want legitimacy.

Enter the LSU Tigers. The Tigers are allowing opposing offenses a back-up white guy center's worth of points. They destroyed Virginia Tech on National Television. The Gamecocks want to be Buster Douglas to LSU's Kuribo's Shoe, or something to that extent.

If the Eastern SC fails? It likely won't matter what happens this season, because even if they beat Florida at home? LSU still looks the class of the SEC. And this makes Lee Corso right. Life and Death for Blake Mitchell?

Darn tootin' skipperpants.

The NL Central

This has been a battle of the storied franchise looking for a new chapter versus the young and scrappy team looking for a shot of legitimacy. The Chicago Cubs spent 300 million dollars looking for a concoction that would wash the taste out from the Bartman year. The Brewers have spent 25 years outside of the playoffs, only sniffing the glory once. They both want each other to fail.

As for the Cubs? The stakes of failure are low. They are the lovable losers. They are cursed. This is merely another chapter in their story. 2008 will merely turn the page.

The Brewers haven't had much greatness in their story, however. Two playoff apperances. One World Series apperance. 1981 and 1982. That's it. It's been 15 years since they even contended, and considering that history, a second place finish means nothing.

It's a run from history versus a run to legitimacy. Who wins? The fans. Go fans!

The Philadelphia Phillies

It may be because of my Chicagoan proximity, but I've always felt Chicago had an illegitimate claim to an inferiority complex. The days of Capone were long dead, and Second City spawned the careers of comedy masters like Bob Odenkirk and Chris Farley, and there was this Michael Jordan character whom seemed to be good at putting the bean in the net. Really, Chicago had it lucky.

Philadelphia, on the other hand? It just feels like it would be David Mamet's homestown if he was born today. The unlikeable fans, the tragic finishes. It would be goldenrod.

But the Phillies are breathing down the Mets necks. With a little more than a week to go, the Phils are filled with the fight, gaining six games in little more than a week. They want the NL East so badly. They have been close so many times. Like the Eagles and the NFC Championships. Or that one year A.I. put the Sixers on his back. And any mention of Eric Lindros to a Flyers fan?

Yeah. You get the point. They need this in Philly. They don't get this, and it gets ugly for McNabb.

I would make an It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia reference here, but I've seen only one episode, so it would be ham-fisted at best!

Thus, the rest is silence.