Match.com Mondays: Lloyd Carr

by Rupert, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes

As we make our way through this world, we're all trying to do one thing... procreate. But sometimes, it's hard to find a partner who shares the same interests as you do. I'm all about love baby, so I'll be promoting the Match.com profiles of our favorite athletes/commentators/journalists. You never know, you the reader might find the love of your life!

This Week's Featured Profile: Lloyd Carr

Display Name: RiskMaster_0_2
Status: Online now!

* 62-year-old man
* seeking women (any age)
* Anywhere but Michigan -- preferably Ohio.

Relationships: Married, but on thin ice.
Have kids: Yes
Want kids: Balls snipped
Ethnicity: White bread
Body type: Droopy
Height: 5'8" prior to any shame hunching
Religion: Fuck religion and fuck your stupid curses
Smoke: Recently
Drink: Recently

For Fun:
The 23 Dive, routine situations, ruining hopes and dreams, not adapting to the current environment, denying reality, reacting unemotionally to national disasters, getting head coaching jobs by default, and pretending to be an NFL football coach, while utterly dismissing the college game.

My Job:
Head coach for the Michigan Wolverines and aspiring high school Phys. Ed teacher. Also, currently working on first book: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Black Guys Who Can Run And Throw.

Favorite Hot Spots:
Hot spots suck - especially the seats, Ypsilanti, MI, and anywhere far from the SEC.

Favorite Things:
Establishing the run, stopping the spread offense, white quarterbacks, pretending I know what I'm doing by implementing things that sound smart like zone-blocking, cashing my checks at Columbus Savings and Loan, cold seats, hanging out with Brian Ellerbe, urinating on Bo Schembechler's grave, and pretending I relate to black kids.

Last Read:
What It Takes To Be A Lion, by Scott Mitchell and Marty Mornhinweg

About Me and Who I'm Looking For:
I'm looking for a companion who will stick with me in the good times and the bad. I have a tendency for rising to great pinnacles and wallowing in my own deep abyss. I cannot predict when either will strike. I'm so fed up with everyone turning on me. I need someone who is ready to take this wild ride together. It's like manic depression only without the manic and double scoop of deep depression. My ideal companion would be John Cooper only with a better coaching record -- it's ok if it's a high school record. Ideally, my mate will be well connected to a Canadian football team. I have always really wanted to live in Canada and I am seeking a life partner to make this move by my side.

If you think you are a match for this complicated matrix of a man, please contact me.