MY FANTASY FOOTBALL PEP TALK

by BOHChris, Blog of Hilarity

We won this week, gentlemen. After that debacle we had against Voldemort's Army last week, we gutted out a win against the Pining Fluid '07, despite some lackluster performances from our top guys. BUT DO YOU THINK THAT'S ENOUGH? Some of you are finding new ways to disappoint me, week in and week out. And I'm not going to sit here and let you bullsh*t me into thinking that you're trying your hardest out there. These are REAL STAKES.

Laurence Maroney. My number one draft pick. Sure, maybe it's my fault for believing in you when you gave me no reason to. And fine, maybe Joseph Addai or Frank Gore were better options at #4. But Jesus dude, you're giving me NOTHING. You're going to let f*cking Sammy Morris and Kevin Faulk treat you like a bitch? That's not Kool Aid Man. You know what the Kool Aid Man would do? He'd stab Sammy Morris in the groin for even existing, let alone vulturing touchdowns from him. Then he'd go "OH YEAH" and drink Morris' blood as though it were sugary juice.

You get one more week. ONE MORE WEEK. And if you don't fix your problems, Marshawn Lynch will be given a chance to shine. He's dying for the opportunity you squandered, not unlike an unwashed ass.

But he's not the only one out there who might as well be jerking off onto my fantasy scores. That's your contribution to the Endless Chatter's efforts: Dried up semen.

Hines Ward. Uh hi Hines Ward, this is f*cking football, not a kimchee party for you and your family where you eat spicy noodles and beef bulgogi and have a f*cking laugh. You gave me ZERO points. ZERO. You know what else could have given me ZERO points? Air Bud. And frankly, I'd be honored to have Air Bud on my team. At least when he licks his crotch, it wouldn't be awkward for us all.

It's great to see that we saw your half-black side for your first couple years in the league but don't let your newfound love for Korea make you play like a 5'4 guy from Seoul named Kenny Park.

Matt Leinart, what the f*ck? Kurt Warner? Really? You got benched for Kurt f*cking Warner? I don't care that you're on my bench, no one gets benched for Kurt Warner on my team. That's like a left tackle getting benched for Pavarotti. I can overlook your weak arm, your slowness, even your bad parenting. But I can't overlook this. You may find yourself on the Virtual Unemployment Line mister. Good look feeding your Virtual Kids and f*cking Virtual Paris Hilton without my fat Virtual Paycheck.

Randy Moss, Neil Rackers, and Jason Witten, the three stars of this team, will now sodomize you as punishment. They are the stars of this team and are entitled to some perks. Such is the Endless Chatter way. Football is a game of inches, in every way.

So pick it up, you sissies. There's still time for you to put it all together. Who knows, perhaps after next week, you shall be the one giving the sodomy!