NFL Preview: Baltimore Ravens

by Tbone, The Sports Hernia

Does anything ever change with the Ravens? They always have a good defense, they always have a ridiculously shaky quarterback situation, they always have a retarded linebacker who makes Randy Watson look sane, and Brian Billick's hair gets as increasingly ridiculous as his arrogant press conferences.

If you're a Ravens fan, right now you're probably forcing yourself to believe that Steve McNair is a nice short term solution, but in reality, you'd rather be raped by Ray Lewis in front of your kindergarten teacher. The guy is old, damaged and at this point desperately needs a Segway Human Transporter to avoid getting decapitated by defensive ends.

If you think he's taking you to the Super Bowl, do yourself a favor and drown yourself in a random pool of squirrel vomit. Now. Or win with them on Madden you lonely assbag, because they're not getting past any of the big guys like Indy or New England.

Chris McAllister? Yeah, he's good but he can't play QB and he can't make Brian Billick any less annoying, so in reality he's just a small cog in the wheel.

And Troy Smith was a nice waste of a draft pick. There's a better chance of his Heisman Trophy getting laid than him seeing the field.

Expect Kyle Boller to finally hit rock bottom by getting back together with Tara Reid's butchered nipples, and expect Willis McGahee to have 300 carries by Week 3, play in a wheelchair by Week 4, and be clinically dead by Week 7.

No confirmation on whether Carmelo Anthony will be selling his DVDs with Marlo Stanfield in the parking lot during home games.

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