"Of Course I'm Fili Moala, I'm Fat Aren't I?"

by Sterling Gould, More Credible

Ever wish you could escape from your cubicle/computer and be an all-star defensive player for an all-star college football team for a night? You do? Well... just take some advice from this guy who told the police that he was USC's Fili Moala... and had the officer believe it:

According to Capt. Gary Jenkins, the man told the arresting officer that his name was Fili Moala, that he wore No. 75 for the USC football team and that, "Coach Carroll is going to kill me." The man did not have identification, Jenkins said, and gave a "jumbled" birth date. Based on Moala's uncommon name and a birth date and physical appearance that nearly matched initial Department of Motor Vehicle records, he was booked as Fili Moala, Jenkins said. The arrest and part of the booking information was posted on the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department website.

Identification? Who the hell needs that when you're a football player? Hey, we're all fans right? Captain Jenkins is an asshole for booking the guy after he told him he was Moala. I mean, he's fat and black right? Clearly meets the description of most football players. Duh.

Coach Carroll must've been having birthing overgrown children after hearing the news that one of his best defensive players was arrested before one of the Trojans biggest games of the season. That probably would've had meant that Carroll would have to take action towards this. Like... a slap on the wrist, or a "stern talking to", or pulling his paycheck for the week.

A suspension would've been the last thing on the coache's mind. Right after fighting him or murdering him.