SURROUNDED BY ASSHOLES!: A LOOK AT THE EC FANTASY LEAGUE

by Bstone, Brahsome

Each week a member of Brahsome.com will be bringing you an update of the Epic Carnival fantasy league, Epic Carnies League. (Way to be original, somebody.) We will be slamming our fellow writers for their stupid lineup selections, talking about stuff fantasy, and generally engendering hatred for our better than thou attitude. Don't worry, we earned it.

What kind of d-bag starts a fantasy season recap after week two? Me. So backoff. I've been busy doing other stuff. Like. Well, nevermind. Your momma jokes are about as clever as naming your team after something Michael Vick related. Unless of course you just got blunt and named them "Rapestand". Then I totally back your sh*t. Here are the final scores for this week's games:

Vick's Broken Dreams - 122
PissingExcellence - 98 (And that's us. And yeah, I get the irony, asshole.)

Picked_Ninth - 94
SpongeBobScorePoints - 82

Sheckler Monologues - 83
Afterburners - 75

The Turnovers - 129
Pervert Clowns - 76

Tanuki - 151
tits and ass - 99

3rd & Long Duk Dong - 146
DriveThroughAbortions- 86

First of all, we're winning this thing. Please don't think twice. If LaDanian Tomlinson had shown up at all this year, we'd be in first place. But he hasn't so we're just biding our sweet ass time until he does. While we're talking about our own roster, let's mention that last week's turdbowl machine, Vick's Broken Dreams (63!) somehow hung a buck-twenty-two on us. That's because they made all the right moves by not starting Dom Rhodes or Vernand Morency. (Yeah, they drafted both those guys.) Meanwhile, we only had three players--Tom Brady, Chad Johnson and the Jags D--go over six points all weekend. And yeah, we have LT, Brady and Ocho Cinco. We'll be back next week, don't worry. (P.S. Brahsome's Boxy Brown will suck you off for any sort of second running back. I was so wrong about Brandon Jackson this year.) Oh yeah, and instead of pointing out any actual flaws on our team, I would like to point out that it's f*cking stupid that Yahoo! doesn't run waivers at all. Just a free for all on Sunday? Pffff.

Picked_Ninth also bounced back from a whopping 65 last week to piss out a win over SBSP on some pretty even keel production from Hassyback, T-Holt, Driver, Benson and the Pats D. It's worth noting that they got screwed into drafting LJ at nine. Oh, no, wait. You're a f*cking liar. You picked fifth and still took LJ. Enjoy the basement. All. Season. Long. Picked_Ninth also took a kicker in the ninth round, so we'll chalk this one up to luck. Or the fact that SBSP decided owning FOUR effing quarterbacks was a smart move. Bulger, VY, Jeff Garthia, and David Garrard. Come on. Or we could chalk it up to the fact that SBSP left Braylon Edwards (26) on the bench this week in favor of Devery Henderson (0) and James Jones (7). SBSP scored a 66 in week one. I think we're through here.

Sheckler Monolouges, a not-so-thinly-veiled shot at the EIC of EC followed up a stout 121 from week one with a barely passable and somehow winnable 83 in week two. This is actually a good squad, with LaMont Jordan and Travis Henry being too scared to get in the endzone, yet racking up yardage. Vinnie Jax, Roy Williams and Coles are a nice WR corps. Also Marshawn Lynch on the bench and Peyton at QB, not too much to hate here. Should be a good season. The Afterburners have some nice backs--Shaun Alexander, Chris Brown (no, wait he's not good), Ahman Green and Brandon Jacobs--and probably made the right call with the lineups this week. Too bad their receivers suck monkey c*ck. How the f*ck do you draft the third and fourth WRs from the Lions. Mike Martz would appreciate you getting your tongue out of his taint so he can get back to beating up on sh*tty pass defenses.

The Turnovers dah-molished (ever call that 1-800-SCORES number? hysterical) Pervert Clown 129-76. Expect the Turnovers in the playoffs with a core of Steven Jackson, Edge James, Marvin Harrison, Andre Johnson and Cotchery. Kitna and Schaub are nice QBs as well. Although Kitna in the fifth, HW? I'd make fun of you if I didn't burn up all my good insults on Stamos for doing the same thing in another league. Morons. I could probably just point out that Pervert Clown spends the week debating between starting Eli Manning or J.P. Losman at QB and then just move on right? I thought so.

Tanuki motorboated tna this week, 151 to 99. Kind of out of nowhere too, since Tanuki posted an 85 last week. Oh right, Carson Palmer. And this was with benching Cadillac Williams and starting Chris Henry for the Titans. You can thank Joey Galloway and Isaac Bruce for combining for 39 points on that one. Don't expect any consistency. In fact, to be good at all, Tanuki should probably just trade me Palmer for John Kasay. I actually like tits and ass a lot--RBerger is going to bounce back and be big this year, Reggie Wayne is a stud and MB3 is obviously taking over that timeshare in Big D. Speaking of Big D, tna obviously sucks one at drafting since this roster has two kickers.

And then we move to the number one team in the league 3rd & Long Duk Dong, captained by the Ghosts. God, I love me some Ghosts in fantasy drafts. They spent two and a half hours taking a steamy doo on Stamos' head with each successive pick. I think they even backdoored Amani Toomer from him at some point late. Their receivers are Terrell Owens, Steve (MothaF*ckin') Smith and Calvin Johnson. F'ing sick, brah. Adrian Peterson (MIN) and Frank Gore might have some talent too. Tony Romo is overrated, but that's okay, they drafted Daunte Culp...HA! Knew I'd find a flaw on this squad. Now that I'm done giving Stan a reacharound, let me point out that Drive Through Abortions is also a dangerous squad, with Randy Moss, Hines Ward, Laurence Maroney, Clinton Portis and Drew Brees.

It's these last two teams, plus your own Pissing Excellence (I didn't make up the name actually, as I really did want to go with "Rapestand" but Yahoo! is all geigh like that and won't let me change it. As far as I know. I'm too lazy to really research.) and The Turnovers that will make up the playoffs in 13 weeks.

God, you all suck. Except you Stan. You had me at "Martz".