TOP 10 FUTURE NFL SCANDALS, RATIONALIZATIONS AND RESOLUTIONS

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Note: Believe it or not, children, time was when athletic scandal was Chicago Bear QB Jim McMahon mooning a press helicopter, or somebody falling prey to the dread demon of cocaine. But now that we're moved into murder (both human and canine), spectacular body chemistry violations, and the movable feast that is Pac Man Jones, what will future athletes need to do to raise the bar... and more importantly, how will future apologists try to wipe it away?

10. White Slavery

Description: It turns out that Peyton Manning has been kidnapping Indiana teens and shipping them off to Southeast Asia. Oh no!

Rationalisation: What some call white slavery, others call a commitment to internationalism and broadening the horizons.

Resolution: Four game preseason suspension and hilarious United Way ads.

9. Organ harvesting

Description: Matt Hasselbeck and his friends have been selling kidneys on the black market -- and no one knows where they are from.

Rationalization: He's just publicizing organ donations, and that saves lives!

Resolution: Given that this example is in Seattle, it's never heard from again.

8. Mutagenic research

Description: Bill Belichick has an offshore lab where he's been making half-man, half-animal Samoan linebackers. It's his own island or Dr. Billeau!

Rationalization: If it wasn't specifically against the NFL's by-laws, it's clearly fine, and all of those other teams are just jealous that they aren't looking for every available edge, like Coach Nixon.

Resolution: 5K unreadable words from ESPN's Bill Simmons, a great shaking of fists from the nation's non-Patriot fans, and another half dozen Patriot blowout wins, because God hates us.

7. Incest

Description: Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry is discovered to have fathered a child with a direct blood relative.

Rationalization: Travis is a good father and a great teammate, at least until Coach Shanahan tosses him under the bus to go to another running back. Also, isn't Colorado, like, near Utah or something? Let's be culturally sensitive here, people. (Finally and most obviously, given how many kids Henry has fathered, wasn't at least one of them bound to be with a relative?)

Resolution: The inbreeding costs the future Henry dearly in the 2025 NFL Draft, where his webbed feet costs him big in his 40-yard times.

6. Cloning

Description: Jack Del Rio and the Jaguars are implicated in a wide scale project in which they grow their own substandard quarterbacks in a lab, rather than have to draft them.

Rationalization: It's science! You can't stop science!

Resolution: The Jags are forced to play the clones, who combine the foot speed of Byron Leftwich with the on-field awareness of David Garrard.

5. Cybertronic implant

Description: Tony Romo of the Cowboys turns out to not just have a wristband and a radio transmitter in his helmet -- he's actually being piloted remotely by offensive coordinator Jason Garrett.

Rationalization: After FumbleGate last year, do you really want poor Romo to have to be in control of his own body? We took him off that to keep him from sawing through his own wrists. Do you want Tony Romo to die, you heartless bastards?

Resolution: One of the year's best and most touching commercials, as a little girl makes Romo dance like a Nutcracker in her own Christmas fantasy.

4. Furry

Description: Alex Smith of the Niners is found having carnal relations at a "furry" convention -- which is to say, people who dress up as animals.

Rationalization: It's the Bay Area, and they certainly do things differently out there.

Resolution: Dramatically better trash talk, and much more nervous mascots, at Niner road games.

3. BDSM

Description: Sexy Rexy Grossman of the Bears lives up to his nickname with a fully stocked dungeon where ritual rites of sadism and humiliation occur.

Rationalization: It's no different than what happens in most of his games. And finally, Lovie Smith's dedication to him is explainable.

Resolution: Grossman keeps his position by throwing for a bunch of touchdowns and yards against a terrible team.

2. Public Masturbation

Description: Vince Young of the Titans is caught in flagrante Pee-Wee-O in a Nashville adult theater.

Rationalization: It wasn't the fourth quarter yet, if you catch our drift. Besides, why are black QBs criticized more for things like this? You racist pig!

Resolution: Young loses the cover role for future versions of Madden, causing his fantasy league owners considerable satisfaction and relief.

1. Gay

Description: I can't even name a player here. We dare not discuss this. The Horror.

Rationalization: There is none. I mean, do you want your *children* exposed to this?

Resolution: The end of Western Civilization, cats and dogs together, plagues of locusts, the Angel of Death visiting homes for every firstborn. Won't you make a donation today to help our ministry continue its...