Top 10 Signs That Roger Clemens Won't Be Around to Help the Yankee Stretch Run

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Ed. Note: In yesterday's game against the Mariners, 45-year-old millionaire-per-start pitcher Roger Clemens was ineffective in a critical loss, and then quickly left the clubhouse for an MRI exam. Yankee manager Joe Torre said later that he expects Clemens to miss his next start, against Kansas City. But Epic Carnival has discovered some equally disturbing signs for fans hoping to see the Rocket in September and October...

10) The ringtone on Clemens' cell phone has been changed to a mixture of laughter and the opening riff to the Pink Floyd song "Money"

9) Andy Pettite won't come out of his hotel room and seems to be putting on weight

8) Houston Astros management can't stop giving each other high fives, despite being 14 games under .500

7) Sun seems to be shining brighter, ice cream tastes better, and people seem to be just nicer

6) Anti-depressant prescriptions increased at Fox Sports

5) Red Sox / Masshole Nation have turned the switch from paranoid and insufferable to arrogant and insufferable

4) Yankee Empire already talking about next year, when Big Stein buys Johan Santana, John Smoltz, A.J. Burnett, Oliver Perez, David Wells and all of the players in the AL West

3) Mike Mussina now snubbing Joe Torre

2) Greg Maddux has a spring in his step, and is asking clubhouse attendants to see how many more wins Rocket has than him on the all-time list

1) YES play by play announcer Michael Kay now fellating someone new