TOP 10 WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR FANTASY FOOTBALL EXPERIENCE

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Note: Let's face it, folks -- your fantasy team is probably screwed by now, just like mine. Those savvy picks of Stephen Jackon, Drew Brees and Lee Evans hurt now, and they're just going to keep hurting.

I feel your pain (even after the restraining order). So here's a top 10 list of tactics to get some enjoyment out of the money you're pissing away. You can thank me later.

10. Ridiculous Trade Offers. Hey, you know who would be better to own right now than Stephen Jackson and Drew Brees? Frank Gore and Tony Romo, that's who. And they went right after each other in the draft. Find the guy with the good players and make the trade request, a few dozen times if necessary. Remember, it only takes a few mistaken mouse clicks, or paying off his roommate. to get the move approved!

9. Surf the Luck Wave. Last Saturday, Kevin Curtis was borderline ownable at best. Last Sunday, he put up 3 TDs and over 200 yards against the always entertaining Lion defense. Which utterly ordinary talent will pull off a similar trick this week? Ditch your usual talent and find out!

8. Play Lowball. Sure, anyone can have a run of the mill loser... but it takes stones to intentionally tank by trying to reach a perfect zero score. This is especially fun as the owners that already played your team start crying that it's not fair that you're not fielding a real team anymore. (You want to know what's not fair, you crybabies? That the kids in your house don't send me cards on Father's Day.)

7. Uber Trash Talk. Got a crappy team? Go hog wild into self-delusion with over-the-top trash talk. If nothing else, you're making the league more fun for the owners that will squash you next. So long as you're going to take it, might as well make it fun for them.

6. That Old College Try. Got a thing for Ohio State or the University of Miami? Play the waiver wire until your team is made up entirely of alumni. Then, talk about your college to the exclusion of all other comments. Sure to impress the ladies!

5. Full Throttle Whine. There's nothing that fantasy owners like better than the guy who can't stop talking about all of the Bad Luck he's been having. It's the best way to convince us that you're actually a genius after all. Bonus points if you can work in chapter and verse scoring moments that cost you in previous weeks!

4. Homer Mania. You know what the big problem with fansty football is? That they make you stop rooting for your team, and start rooting for individuals. Well, you can fix that! Just target a specific team (and it helps if you don' t pick a particularly good one), and work to own all of their relevant players. That way, you can cut down on the number of games you watch *and* feel doubly happy when they win -- because, unlike all of the rest of you heartless bastards, I haven't sold my *soul*. So there.

3. My Other Team Is A Girlfriend In Canada. Tired of taking grief from your league mates? Talk up the *other* league you are in, the one where they play for *real* money and your draft displayed a crippling amount of Nostradamus-like foresight. The league you're in with the guy you're talking to is cute and quaint and all, but it's so not where your focus lies. Really.

2. Unlike You, I Have A Life. Everyone else in your league is so uptight, but not you. Maybe you don't belong in this league, since you're all about having a good time, and they are all about finding Ahman Green's backup. I mean, really, people, get a life.

1. Deadbeat Dad. There's nothing better for the nerds in the league than an owner who just bails at the first sign of trouble, because it means one less hand in the cookie jar on waiver wire claims. So let your team go fallow, and stop paying attention even for obvious stuff like bye weeks. Soon, you'll forget all about your shameful past!