Top 5 NFL Douchebag Fan Taunts

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Ready to talk trash to other pro football fans, but afraid that your taunts may not succeed in showing you in the worst possible light? Follow these five easy techniques to become a bigger douche. By the time you're done, even fans of your team won't want to associate with you!

5) The How Could You. Choosing a fandom is, for the most part, a fairly involuntary process: you're either born into an area or family with an allegiance, or live near a team during your formative fan years. The How Could You Taunt is effective because it takes aspects of who your victim is as a person, and holds them up to ridicule. It's right up there with calling someone four-eyes for having to wear glasses, or damming a girl for having small breasts. Why don't you get right on that, Fan of Bad Team, rather than choosing to live as you are?

Sample Taunt -- "How could you root for a team that calls itself a contender, but has never won a Super Bowl?"

Wildly Escalative, But Morally Justifiable, Answer (WEBMJA) -- "The same way that you root for that fat whore that calls itself your mother."

4) Dead Or Crippled Guy Taunt. For sheer unbridled and mostly unoriginal tastelessness, nothing quite beats the Dead Guy Taunt, where you ignore the dire reality that awaits us all and use it to shockingly tasteless effect.

Sample Taunt -- "What do Andre Waters and the Eagles have in common?"

WEBMJA -- "They've both inflicted permanently crippling injuries to people who have provoked them. So have I."

3) Cheap Location Heat. Yes, Philly Haters, we bombed our own city, we threw snowballs at Santa, we eat scrapple, we capitulated far too easily to the British occupation during the Revolutionary War. (If you're going here, at least try to mix it up a little.) If you are seeing similarities to the How Could You Taunt, give yourself a gold star in douchebaggery.

Sample Taunt -- "Hey, Philly Fan! We're going to ring your Bell!

WEBMJA -- "Speaking of bells, have yours dropped yet?

2) Go Home Taunt. This one is best delivered after a win at home, and is all about the attitude in which it's said -- because, frankly, you could say almost the same thing and be wishing someone well.

Example -- "Go back to Philly! Philly is (point) that way!"

WEBMJA -- "Thanks. By the way. earlier today, your wife was (point to groin) this way."

and the number one Douchebag Taunt...

1) Ring Count. Why dwell in the present, when the past is so much more appealing? As an Eagles fan, I get this from Cowboy Fan a lot -- and to be fair, if I had to spend the last 10+ years of my life watching Quincy Carter, Ryan Leaf and Drew Bledsoe, I'd want to live in a permanent Troy Aikman Stupor, too; the more concussed, the better.

But Cowboy Fan's Ring Count Taunt is nowhere near as pathetic as the one where the team you root for won their Super Bowl a long time ago, preferably before either you or your target were functioning football fans. It's even better if you know next to nothing about the year your team won.

Example -- Raider Fan to Charger Fan: "All I can say is, yeah baby, count the rings! Commitment to excellence, baby! COUNT THE RINGS!"

WEBMJA -- "You can count that high? Damn, I lost my pool." or "Do you wear them all when you fist each other? That's a commitment to excellence."

Got a Douchebag Taunt of your own? Please share it in the comments. Or, simply, go wash yourself. It's smelling like fish. Bad fish.