WHO WANTS TO BE A FIESTA BOWL QUEEN?

by Eric Horowitz, ShakedownSports

Are you a Southwestern female between the ages of 19 and 23? Have your hopes been crushed by not qualifying for any of the 27 Arizona state beauty pageants? There's still hope. The Fiesta Bowl Queen and Court Scholarship Program wants you. If chosen, you'll get the chance to attend the Fiesta Bowl, the Fiesta Bowl parade, and many other exciting Fiesta Bowl-related events.

The only thing you need to do is fill out a simple application and write a one page essay. The essay topic? "What made you want to become involved in the Fiesta Bowl organization and the Festival of College Football? Why do you think you should be selected to the 2007-2008 Fiesta Bowl Court?" I suggest writing something about wanting to show off your body to a much larger audience than you normally do.

There is one potential complication. The program organizers have a few rules to make ensure every woman chosen is capable of attracting male stalkers. Applicant must be 19-23, they must never have been married, and they cannot have any kids. Also, no fat chicks. Good luck.