40 OUNCES OF GUARANTEED NBA PREDICTIONS

by Jordi Scrubbings, The Serious Tip

As we prepare for the 2007-2008 NBA season, I have decided to forego the usual team-by-team analysis familiar on dozens upon dozens of other websites. Instead of breaking each team down player by player and writing about their respective strengths and weaknesses, I have decided to tell you the future. You read that correctly. In the words of the artist currently known as the artist formerly known as Prince, "I've seen the future, and it will be."

So like a modern-day Edgar Cayce, here are 40 events that will happen this NBA season.

1. The Knicks will not make the playoffs.
2. The Grizzlies will.
3. Kevin Durant will not win Rookie of the Year.
4. But no one will compare him to Adam Morrison.
5. The Magic will finish with a better record than the Heat.
6. Florida Gator alumni will still think Billy Donovan would be a better coach than Stan Van Gundy.
7. Isiah Thomas will not make any trades during the season.
8. And still keep his job.
9. And my personal boycott of Knicks basketball will pass its 1,000th day.
10. Steve Francis will return to form.
11. The Rockets will have the 2nd best record in Texas.
12. Better than San Antonio.
13. San Antonio will still go further in the playoffs.
14. The Nets will continue to be overrated.
15. The Raptors will be underrated yet again.
16. Boston will not win the East.
17. Kevin Garnett will win MVP.
18. Alonzo Mourning will retire after this season.
19. So will Shaquille O’Neal.
20. Andrea Bargnani will be for the Raptors what the Pistons thought Darko Milic would be.
21. Darko will put up better numbers than Otis Thorpe as a Grizzlie.
22. Lil Bow Wow’s “Basketball” will not get better with age.
23. Kurtis Blow’s “Basketball” will remain a hip-hop classic.
24. Ron Artest and Tracy McGrady’s trips to Africa will be overshadowed by the first brawl of the season.
25. Which will involve either a Euro or an American-born white player.
26. Jessica Alba will attend less than five Warriors home games not nationally televised.
27. But she will still top Beyonce for hottest female fan.
28. Tom Brady will be seen at numerous Celtic games, as will other Boston celebs.
29. Last season’s experiment with a new basketball will never be mentioned.
30. Who Shot Mamba? will be mentioned during a national broadcast.
31. Dwight Howard will win the dunk contest runnin' stank all over it with rib-ticklin' jumps of double chocolate funk.
32. Nate Robinson won’t bother competing.
33. The Kobe Bryant rumors will continue until the trade deadline.
34. When Kobe gets traded to the Eastern Conference.
35. PacMan Jones won’t be anywhere near the NBA All-Star game.
36. Chris Paul will win All-Star MVP.
37. Sun Ming Ming will play in the NBA D-League.
38. At least one writer will ask if Gilbert Arenas’s popularity is affecting his game.
39. The Indiana Pacers’ “whiter is fan-friendlier” strategy will backfire.
40. The Miami Heat dancers will continue to be the hottest in the land. By far.

All of these will occur. My 2015 sports almanac told me so.

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