THE BEARD, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND

by Davey, Blown Coverage

During last night's Game 1 Live Blog, we were having fun with Kevin Youkilis' mythical beard and when I went to bed, Youk's omnipresent beard kept me awake. Yes, I'm not ashamed to admit that I stayed up and had Kevin Youkilis' facial hair run through my mind.

You see, he more I thought about it, the more it made sense. The beard is the driving force behind Boston's success. Best record in the league, home field advantage throughout the play-offs, coming back from a 3-1 deficit against Cleveland and now hammering the magical Rockies in game 1. All this would have not happened if it wasn't for the Greek God of Chin Hair.

I decided to do some research and present visual evidence of my theory. See, that's Youk in 2003 during his minor league days in Pawtucket. As you can see, Youk worked that Gillette some overtime and things are flacid and pathetic as a result, much like Jamie Moyer's genitalia.

Look at his face. He's depressed, he's withering away in the minor leagues on a team called the "Sea Dogs" and he's just hoping for the sweet release of death. As for the Red Sox, they were suffering as well. It was in 2003 that Aaron Boone took a rusty steak knife and drove it through Boston's ribs in game 7 of the ALCS when he hit the homer off of Tim Wakefield.

But then something changed. Youk realized that he held the key and decided to unleash the power within.













There's no coincidence that suddenly things are going good for the Sox again. Fans are cheering, people are giving awkward Caucasian style high fives, babies are getting born, Simmons is being a douche and the Red Sox are on their way to their 2nd championship in 4 years.

Youk is screaming right there because he just hit a homerun using nothing but a broomstick and followed that up by impaling Roger Clemens with a javelin in his groin. If you needed more evidence that the beard brings pure joy and awesomeness, check out this picture and this picture. Yes sir, that's manly, testosterone fueled ninja joy. Mere mortals like you and me that have pathetic, mortal facial hair have never experienced joy like that.

I also found out that the beard is made out of nothing but biceps and that it controls the economy in Western Europe. When J.D. Drew hit his grand slam, it was because he wanted to get a high five so badly from Youk's chin. Dustin Pedroia is hitting homeruns because the beard is standing on deck and scaring the sh*t out of him. The beard is actually taller and weighs more than Pedroia.

* Bonus fact : Youk was called up the big team in 2004. Yes, the same season that Boston came back down from 3-0 to beat the Yanks and then finally ended the title drought. Coincidence? I think not.