CROWN OUR ASS! SCOPING OUT THE EC FANTASY LEAGUE

by Bstone, Brahsome

Each week a member of Brahsome.com will be bringing you an update of the Epic Carnival fantasy league, Epic Carnies League. (Way to be original, somebody.) We will be slamming our fellow writers for their stupid lineup selections, talking about stuff fantasy, and generally engendering hatred for our better than thou attitude. Don't worry, we earned it.

What a fun week. We won, we scored more points than anyone else and my personal fantasy teams went 7-2. Yeah, bitches. NINE effing fantasy leagues. I'm so much more goddamn nerdy than you are. Especially you losers that couldn't crack a fitty-spot this week. Embarrassing. I bet you have lives. Here are the scores for Week 4:

Pissing Excellence: 105
Picked_Ninth: 76

Pervert Clown: 60
SpongebobScorepoints: 87

Sheckler Monologues: 86
Vick's Broken Dreams: 35

Sex Cannons: 40
tits and ass: 81

The Turnovers: 76
Drive Thru Abortions: 78

Tanuki: 72
3rd & Long Duk Dong: 91

Well, maybe it's a little early to crown us. After all, we are only 3-1. But Pissing Excellence was the only team to crack 100 this week and we did it without bothering to sub in a replacement for Vernon Davis. F*** yeah we did it on purpose. You think we were scared of Picked_Ninth? Please. We even added Jeff King and sat him on the bench because we thought it would be funny. Well that and these clowns started Chris Cooley on his bye week. We were led by LaDanian Tomlinson finally showing up, Tom Brady being a model-f*cking monster stud and the Seattle D getting to face Trent Dilfer. If Larry Johnson doesn't rip off a late game junk time run, Nate Kaeding is the second leading scorer for PN. Nuff said.

SpongebobScorePoints moved to 3-1 as well, while proclaiming himself a "fantasy warlord". Fantasy warlord? This is fantasy f*cking football - not some Dungeon and Dragons bullsh*t. Get that nerd sh*t out of here. No role playing at the man-gate, p*ssy. By the way, get Ronnie Brown off the trading block. Anyone worth a sh*t knows he's the biggest sell high of 2007 right now with the way that offensive line blocks. By the way, a Fantasy Warlord wouldn't f*ck up and leave Patrick Crayton and his 30 on the bench, right? (Unless you were getting your advice from the guy at Fantasy Fanhouse. That d-bag said to sit him. So we'll let you slide.) What we won't let slide is that Pervert Clown is 0-4 but trying really hard. That's just awkward. I'm not going to harp on the whole starting-Eli-Manning thing any more but dood, not only is he bad, but Pennington had a better matchup. Moving on...

OMG. LOL. WTF. Vick's Broken Dreams is the only reason we're not 4 and f*cking 0. And they just put up a 35. With no one on a bye. Granted Jake Delhomme and Rudi Johnson were out, but they were out days in advance. Which makes this both pathetic AND inexcusable!!! Doormat. Sheckler's Monologues moved to 2-2 but might be in trouble with LaMont Jordan and Travis Henry as their starting running backs. Both spent the afternoon in a MRI machine so that's never good news. This matchup is boring really.

As opposed to Sex Cannons v. TNA, right? The Cannons put up a 40 this week which is awful. And less points than McNasty scored by himself last week actually. This is a solid team once Brandon Jacobs comes back but pretty shallow at wideout. TNA picked up their first win the same week that Brett Favre broke Dan Marino's touchdown record, so break out the rubber "candle" for a big time celebration. In all fairness, TNA has one of the best 1-3 teams I've seen this year - Willie Parker, Reggie Wayne, Marion Barber, III; it just goes to show that when you draft Favr-uh in the second round, you're probably not helping yourself very much.

Drive Thru Abortions got on the board in terms of wins this week as well, and kept Turnover Battle from being the only 4-0 team in the league. DTA was fairly fortunate to win by two points, much thanks to Randy Moss and Wes Welker, particularly since Laurence Maroney didn't play. Such is the danger of starting a guy who's listed as questionable for a Monday Night Game. If Drew Brees wasn't such a turdpile, DTA could actually make some noise the rest of the way. The Turnovers, meanwhile, should continue their spiral with Steven Jackson and Andre Johnson both injured, although if Hank can just stay afloat for a little while he has a shot of staying in this. Not having to start Bobby Engram every week would help a lot though.

In the weekly heavyweight matchup, the Dong rode Tony Romo all the way to a 40 spot, basically ensuring a win by 4:00 pm eastern standard. Tanuki has a nice team but the loss of Cadillac Williams for the year, coupled with the brilliant f*cking "intelligence" of drafting 14 wide receivers and six tight ends at the beginning of the year could mean trouble. Sammy Morris is the number two there and thing won't be as nice as they were last night against Cincy (way to get all over that early, by the way). Dong should continue to have dominance over everyone but Team Brahsome, particularly with a disgusting crew of wide receivers. It should be noted that the addition of Mr. Mittens at quarterback doesn't really help Steve Smith's value.

Next week promises to be spicy as Tanuki and The Greatest Team of All Time (that's us, Don. Watch your motherf*cking back, son.) matchup in the 3-4 spots while Dong and the Turnovers go head to head from the top two spots. Predictions? Nah. Let's just say that LT is going to outscore Tanuki by himself.

Thanks to the Sports Pulse for not giving me permission to steal the Denny Green doodoo photo.