I JUST CAN'T WAIT: TOP 10 WAYS TO CELEBRATE RED SOX ELIMINATION DAY

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Ever since the 2003 ALDS, where my A's lost in front of me to the crotch-grabbing Derek Lowe while 10K Massholes celebrated by finding as many A's fans as possible to personally mock (fighting off flashbacks)...

I've taken special joy in the best day of the year for baseball fans whose hate was formed in this century, rather than the last: Red Sox Elimination Day.

With the Tribe up 3-1 and looking to seal the deal on Thursday night, what are the best ways to celebrate the potential holiday this year?

10. Quietly, with friends, while having a seven course meal and the bottle of wine you've been saving all year for such a special occasion

9. Drunkenly, on the streets of Cleveland, as you tearfully tell Tribe revelers that, this week, they are your very favorite baseballest team ever

8. Reverently, in a candlelit ceremony where prayer-like thanks is given to the Holy Trinity of Suck that helped to make it all happen: Eric Gagne, JD Drew and Julio Lugo (though if anyone wants to offer up a silent candle and thanks to the Sox starting pitchers that could never get through five innings, that's fine too -- on RSED, we all come together, no matter what our faith is)

7. Violently, as you get a fantastic cardio workout from stomping around your house, furious at the Sawx for daring to bring heartbreak into your life (Note: this one's only really good for non-participants, preferably through the distance of secret video)

6. Joyfully, as you explain to a child fan of the Red Sox that while there is always next year, the odds are realistically against them winning then, too

5. Inexpensively, as you buy commemorative 2007 ALCS Participant and AL East Champion memoribilia as discounted Christmas gifts for any Red Sox fans in your life

4. Charitably, by donating your offshore gambling winnings from betting against the Sox to the Jimmy Fund

3. Carpe diem(ly?), for while we live we must dance, and love, and enjoy all of the bounties, raptures and sumptuous pleasures of a world in which Red Sox Fan Is Very, Very Sad

2. Anonymously, by lurking in Masshole bulletin boards and fan sites and slurping up those Yummy Tears of Unfathomable Sadness



1. Recklessly, because while the cops might expect flipped cars, bonfires and rioting in the event of a Tribe World Series win in Cleveland, doing this in your own hometown is just going to seem, well, much more random, really