INTRODUCING TIPS FROM LISTON pt.5

by Liston, Introducing Liston

I'm Liston and I'm cool. Like, real cool. I wear black gloves and say things like, "dope" and "rad". I live in my own efficiency apartment and pay half of the rent. My car has a bumper sticker that says "Liquor in the front, poker in the rear". I have a samurai sword in my living room. I'm good with a pocket knife. This regular feature is called "Introducing Tips from Liston" That's me. I'm Liston and I'm cool.

The other day I was sitting thinking, You know, Blade, (I refer to myself as Blade when I'm thinking) I bet people hate black people because they are afraid to talk to them. That's probably true. You might be saying, "But I don't hate black people". Well, how many black people are you talking to right now? Probably zero, and sorry to say, but that makes you a racist, pal. Lucky for you you know me. Let's get to this week's tip:

This week's tip: How to befriend a black person

I'm pretty sure we've all been in a situation that made us say something like, "Oh no, a black is on his way over here. What am I going to do?" Well I'm here to tell you, except for a few distinct differences, us and black people are essentially the same. I've traversed the sea of racism and came up with some hardfast ways that are guaranteed to make the next black person you meet your "dawg".

1. All blacks use slang, so when you're talking to one try to make them feel comfortable by using buzz words like "bling", "homeslice", "playa", "rad","pimp hand", and "swisha sweet".


2. Tuesdays are good days to make friends with blacks because rap CDs come out on that day. Next Tuesday just walk up to one and say, "Hello, dawg. Did you happen to hear the new rad CD from that rap artist? It was bling." Perfect


3. If you find yourself at a stagnant point in a conversation simply reference Flavor Flav. Black people LOVE Flavor Flav and his zany antics. The next time your talking to a black and are stumped just go, "Oh, that Flavor Flav" and then hug him. It should be a sweet moment.


4. After a black finishes talking say, "Wow. I didn't expect you to be that articulate." Everybody loves a compliment.


5. If you're at the store or something and the cashier happens to be black this is a perfect opportunity to make a friend. Make sure you pay in cash and when the black goes to hand you your change just keep your hands in your pocket until he sets the change down on the counter. Once he sets it down then scoop it up. He will think you are real nice and didn't want to spread germs to him.


6. Always comment on how their hair is so unique and it's weird how a perm for them means "to straighten" when for white people (or "right" people as they are referred to by scientists) a perm means "to curl"

That should just about do it. I have about 100 more but I'll save those for later. Happy friend hunting.

Liston