INTRODUCING TIPS FROM LISTON pt.6

by Liston, Introducing Liston

I'm Liston and I'm cool. Like, real cool. I wear black gloves and say things like, "dope" and "rad". I live in my own efficiency apartment and pay half of the rent. My car has a bumper sticker that says "Liquor in the front, poker in the rear". I have a samurai sword in my living room. I'm good with a pocket knife. This regular feature is called "Introducing Tips from Liston" That's me. I'm Liston and I'm cool.

I want to be a professional sports figure in the worst way, specifically, in the NBA. I love the NBA. I want to make love to the NBA, big time. I want to make love to the NBA and then call it the next day to make sure it feels okay about the decision it made. That's how bad I want to be in the NBA.

But I've come to terms with the fact that I will never be in the NBA. I'm 5'8" (with shoes on), have the athletic grace of newborn unicorn, and one grossly undersized arm. Not exactly the prototype of a successful NBA player. But if I can't be in the NBA officially, I can at least make people think I am in the NBA.

This week's tip: How to make people think you are in the NBA (or any other professional sports league.)

1. Wear a jersey. And wear that jersey all day, everyday. I don't know about you, but when I some short, obese man walking down the street in a Kobe Bryant jersey my immediate thoughts are, "Holy crap, that's Kobe Bryant!" I mean, it's common knowledge that NBA players wear jerseys everywhere they go: the grocery store, the movies, the mall, whatever; they always have one on so you should too. You will not, in any way, look like a terd.


2. Just say you are in the NBA. People are dumb and will believe something if you are serious when you say it. I can't even count how many times I told a girl that I had a magic wang that vibrated gently in a desperate ploy to get her to sleep with me. It always works, always. And after we do it and Sire Franklin Von Picklebottom (the name of my wang) does not vibrate, I simply say, "It's because your sandy vagina was chafing me. You should clean that thing." And then I just leave. Perfect.


3. Combine the first two steps. If you tell someone you are in the NBA while wearing an NBA jersey, well, forget about it. That's as good as gold.

That's pretty much all you need. Congratulations, friends.

Liston