SOMETHING STINKS IN HAPPY VALLEY

by Dr. C, Chicago Bull

Picture the scene of this upcoming Saturday in Happy Valley. It's a huge game as the Nittany Lions host the #1 Ohio State Buckeyes. You wake up, excited to tailgate at 9am and crack open your first cold Keystone Light. It tastes like sh*t, but its cold and once you get a few more in you, you're good to go. So head down to the stadium, and set up shop until the game starts much like these gentlemen to the right. Finally, that feeling comes as the seal needs to be broken, so haul off to find a port-a-potty. Or maybe you don't, because you live in State College and you're a badass.

All of a sudden, the ground has burst. Everywhere around you is the foulest smelling excrement you could possibly imagine, and I'm not talking about the chicks at PSU. You have no clue what's going on. Maybe you decide to get out of there, if you can. Maybe you decide it smells just like home and pull up a chair and continue on with the Keystone. Well, this could be a reality. That's because an estimate made by College Township Manager Adam Brumbaugh states that for the estimated 100,000 people who will be there, they're short by 617 plastic thrones. Talk about being up sh*t creek without a paddle. In fact, earlier in the year when the Lions hosted the Irish, there were some big numbers regarding the amount of sewage flowing around the stadium according to the Centre Daily Times:

- 7,000 pounds of sewage pumped from portable toilets

- 18,000 gallons pumped in the stadium after the game, a stadium record.

To put 18,000 gallons into perspective, here's a picture of an 18,000 gallon propane tank after it was cracked and exploded:

Yeah, pretty much wiped out a complete city block and a half. Now imagine if that sewage tank exploded in the tailgating areas outside the stadium. Bad news. I've never been to State College, but if things aren't remedied quick in the area, I will know this: It'll be one sh*tty game for Penn State fans, both inside and outside of Beaver Stadium.