THROWING KNIVES: WEEKEND HANGOVER

by BD, Epic Carnival

Starting this week every Monday I'll be bringing you the Weekend Hangover, in which I prescribe those ailing from this weekends failures a little pick-me-up. For those of you suffering within your cubicle I'd suggest a couple of Excedrin and a large dose of Gatorade. Always does the trick for me. Despite not being an Indians fan, I'm pissed the Red Sox came back and will be rooting for the Rockies. I hate the Sox almost as much as the Yanks for similar reasons. I found myself so unsure of what to do with my fantasy WR situation yesterday I asked our editor. You see I was deciding between Welker, Coles and Galloway for the spot alongside Ocho Cinco. Lucky for me, I ignored my editor, and a friend who both suggested Galloway and rolled with Coles and absolutely destroyed my opponent. Suffice to say, next time I'll e-mail all of Epic instead of just Mr. Fresh. Anyhow, here's Gisele doing her thing in Miami just 24 hours before Tom did his.

Weekend Hangovers
In which I attempt to help those suffering heal their wounds and reemerge to fight like sh*t champions again.

The Miami Dolphins are a tough bunch to call after watching them get dismantled on yet another Sunday. In this case it was Tom Brady and Co. embarrassing the hapless 'Phins. Randy Moss made two ridiculous catches that further illuminated just how bad the Dolphins defense has fallen. Sure, the Pats O is the best in the league, but guess what... The BROWNS defense held the Pats to 34 points. Fifteen less than the once great 'Phins D. What could possibly help mend the broken ego's and dreams in Miami? The NFL thinks it's a trip abroad, but me? I'm going with a full bottle of Robitussin as I've heard it can make you hallucinate and that's about the only way the 'Phins are going to think next week's game in Europe is actually the 2010 Super Bowl.

What a rough loss for the Eagles yesterday as they, like the Packers, let Brian Griese lead a game winning drive in the final moments in their building no less. On top of that, they were held to nothing but field goals until the 4th Quarter against a defnse that allowed 200+ yards to one guy last week. So, was the demise of the Bears defense just a myth? Or, is the Eagles offense just that bad? I'd say a little of both, but a lot more of the latter. Thus, I'm prescribing a legion of white receivers to line up alongside Kevin Curtis.

Obviously I have to help out the St. Louis Rams as they managed to get manhandled by the Seahawks despite Shaun Alexander not playing completely sucking again and Matt continuing to look like Tim. It was in large part due to a Seattle defense who ran through the Rams o-line for 7 sacks and forced Marc Bulger into 3 picks. It's safe to say Bulger picked the right year to holdout for more money, as he's now about as overpaid as he can get. Honestly, I'm not sure anything can help this team right now, but theirs got to be something, right? How about 5 clones of Orlando Pace to take over the o-line? That'll work. Unfortunately, they're all finishing out the season on IR as well.

The Cleveland Indians choked away what is probably Kenny Lofton's last chance at a ring last night as they lost to the Evil Empire 2.0. Getting blown out for the second strait night in Boston and officially blowing their 3-1 lead. Giving MLB what it wanted, a marquee team in the fall classic. Neither of Cleveland's two aces showed up and their bats were quiet throughout the series. Their's only one thing that might cheer this group up.... hookers, of course! Prepaid for by Mark Shapiro himself. Hell of choke guys!

All of the people who are saying the Pats are running up the score because of the whole Spy-Gate ordeal. That Belichick wants to punish the rest of the league for what happened. You're a moron, Belichick wants to win games and win big because he's a bit of a prick. It has nothing to do with what happened earlier this season. Sure, if you openly mention it (Yeah Wade, I'm buying what PK is selling there) then he might keep his foot on the pedal. But, he's not trying to win by 17+ every week. He's just trying to win and throwing the ball is what gives them the best chance to do that. After all the point of the game is to score and stop the other team from scoring. It doesn't say anything about letting up if your opponent isn't scoring. Thus, I'm recommending a swift kick in the junk and a "Nice tall glass of shut the up," as well.

Quick 'Scrips....

For Brian Billick it's Viagra. I mean, who can get it up after watching that?

A fresh pair of underwear for Jeff Fisher as he definitely sh*t his pants after the surrender 29 in the 4th.

For the Steelers a nice helping of humble pie. The allegedly 3rd best team in the AFC outsmarted themselves last night by taking to the air early, and often, against one of the leagues worst run defenses.

For DeSean Jackson a bottle of Pepto as he suffer through another disappointing collapse in Berkeley.

For Paul Byrd... well he's gotten enough prescriptions hasn't he?

And finally, a nice big McRib for LenDale White who managed his first career 100-yard game yesterday as the Titans out-legged the Texans.

Scoreboard - October 21st - 2007

ALCS
Red Sox 11, Indians 2
Win Series 4-3

NFL
Buffalo 19, Baltimore 14
Detroit 23, Tampa Bay 16
Tennessee 38, Houston 36
New England 49, Miami 28
NY Giants 33, San Fran 15
New Orleans 22, Atlanta 16
Washington 21, Arizona 19
Cincinnati 38, NY Jets 31
Kansas City 12, Oakland 10
Dallas 24, Minnesota 14
Chicago 19, Philadelphia 16
Seattle 33, St. Louis 6
Denver 31, Pittsburgh 28