TOP 10 FANTASY BASKETBALL OWNER TYPES

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Before we get into all of the listy goodness, this actual serious point... the NBA is, believe it or not, frequently the best pro league to play fantasy sports in. There's no park effect weirdness as in baseball, you don't have to worry about snow or rain crippling your production, injuries are less of a concern, there's no bye week, the players all do more or less the same stuff. It's actually far less irritating than baseball or football.

Sure, it's far from perfect, especially because it has the same end of season scrub championship problem that baseball does, but if you like pro hoop at all, you need to get in a game.

Now, the casual observer would think that the same personality types would apply to a b-ball league... but if that was the case, I wouldn't have something to fill your insatiable appetites, would I? On to the hackery...

10. The Degenerate. The NBA is his third (or fourth -- hockey exists, after all) league, and its main use is to fill that crucial January to April hole where he might not have some action.

Advantage: Usually comes prepared, knows how to behave in a league.

Disadvantage: Can be distracted during your draft by NFL updates or the ESPN News ticker.

9. White Chocolate. Pound for pound the most painful owner in the league, this guy feels compelled to talk street to show his NBA chops. In about five years, if the NBA continues to tap into a global talent market, WC is going to branch out into Asian or Argentine work too, which should be spectacular for it's Wu Tang-ness.

Advantage: Some of his music's OK. Five years out of date, but OK.

Disadvantage: Everything else.

8. College Snob. Did you know that more or less the same game, played by people who have not reached their physical prime and from a significantly smaller talent base, is clearly superior to the NBA game? Neither did I, but College Snob does. He's just here to keep track of his favorites from Alma Mater, along with pissing on the parade of anyone who actually prefers the game played by grown-ups.

Advantage: Dumb money. Will draft Shane Battier a half dozen rounds early, and will bone several picks over a desire to reward players with limited talent who stayed in school.

Disadvantage: You might slip up and start listening to him at some point.

7. Playground Jesus. This guy judges every player in the league not based on the numbers they generate, but the aesthetic in which they play. PJ comes in two flavors; the Rafer Alston-esque flash worshipper, and the old-school Steve Blake wannabe. Either way, he's an easy payday.

Advantage: Always up for a game.

Disadvantage: Same.

6. Homer. My personal favorite owner, because it's fun to watch them squirm all day. Unlike baseball or football, where there might be a team where a half dozen or more players are relevant, the NBA is a different animal; unless you have a very deep league, it's rare that more than 3 players from one team will help you. Even better, players from truly dominant teams are actually overvalued in fantasy, because they simply get more bench time than the guys that are killing themselves to keep their teams in it. So come on down, Celtics Lover! Yes, this *is* Rajon Rondo and Kendrick Perkins' year -- collect 'em all!

Advantage: If Homer is a big enough Homer, will never, ever win.

Disadvantage: Damn near impossible to trade with.

5. Money B Baller. If Billy Beane can get the A's to win games through non-traditional statistics and the Football Outsiders guys can get people thinking hard about the NFL numbers... then, by heaven, there must be esoteric numbers that will lead you to NBA fantasy dominance too, right? Quick, to the spreadsheets!

The NBA is like playing thoroughbreds; you make an educated guess on who is going to make a run this year and invest in them, and try to predict the horses that will break down, so that you can take advantage of that situation as well. All things being equal, the team that gets the most minutes on the floor is more likely to win. So while there is a time and place for the stathead work, it's not foolproof, and will never be; there's too many NBA coaches who will insist on watching the game instead of the computer.

Advantage: Will almost always overthink the picks and blow their draft.

Disadvantage: When they hit on a sleeper, you will hear about it for the rest of your natural life.

4. Mr. Nostalgia. You know, the Association just isn't the same since Jordan retired -- the *first* time, dammit. That was when the league had *real* stars and *real* personalities and *real* rivalries... and if your blood pressure didn't elevate while you read that, please go kiss a bus.

The NBA draws on the largest talent pool of any sport on the planet, with the possible exception of soccer. It pays the highest per capita salaries, and unlike football, it doesn't leave its players crippled after their playing days are over. The idea that the game now is remarkably worse than what is was in the 80s/90s, which is usually credited to expansion or ESPN or the Death of the Point Guard, is crap on its face, and the kind of crap that tells you more about the writer than the game. The NBA has serious flaws -- the Donaghy scandal tore the roof off the bad officiating, and way too many players and teams are all too happy to tank with 6 to 10 weeks left in the season -- but talent is not one of them.

Advantage: Will draft limited veteran players all over the place. Has no idea who most of the rookies are.

Disadvantage: Most rookies don't pan out, so his team is usually better than you think.

3. Playoff Lover. Yeah, I know that Steve Nash has the better *numbers*, but did you see what Tony Parker did to him when it mattered? And you have to be kidding me with this Marion over Duncan ranking. What game are you people watching?

Um, the games that count in our league, which would be the regular season. Given that the teams that go deep into the playoffs wind up with an extra two months of wear and tear on their players, you could actually make an argument for players from lottery teams (provided, of course, that they also didn't serve on their countries teams in international hoop, also known as the great bane of every fantasy player's existence.

Advantage: Drafts Pistons and Spurs about 2-3 rounds earlier than everyone else.

Disadvantage: Already knows that Mehmet Okur and Drew Gooden really suck, unlike idiot you, who will draft them thinking that they will get their usual minutes.

2. Mr. Potential. Sounding like the mutant spawn of a half-dozen NBA "insiders" and the stalker/scout types that you find touching themselves in high school gyms, Mr. Potential is all about the emerging player who just needs minutes to make you forget... the guy who he is taking the minutes from.

Advantage: When it works, they've got Kelvin Martin, and you don't.

Disadvantage: When it whiffs, they are about as happy as Eddie Griffith's insurance company.

1. High Risk. Ron Artest in the second? Absolutely -- but only if Ron-Ron looks like he's off his meds. Lamar Odom after he's caught with a bong in his hands? Absolutely, that just means he's relaxed. Tracy McGrady in the top 10? Sure, back problems are never chronic. Marcus "Cotton" Camby? Hey, I've got a good feeling that this is the year he plays more minutes than Iverson. You can't win a league without taking some risks!

Advantage: Will take risks. Actually, will overrate players who are risks.

Disadvantage: Don't let them drive you home, order the pizza, or go into a bar or casino with them, under penalty of death, food poisoning or extreme poverty.

Good luck, and good drafting. (Oh, and if you want to save yourself some time if you are in a league with me, just pay me now. It's just easier that way.)