TOP 10 SPORTS-RELATED HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

And no, you don't get to go in blackface with a Vick jersey and a dog leash, people; the local Spirit store is selling Atlanta Felons jerseys, so there's going to be at least a dozen Vicks at the party. Have some originality. Or just read this list.

10. Barry Bonds. Inflate balloons under oversize clothing for muscles, and one for your head for the swollen melon look, then finish it off with a Giants jersey with the team logo ripped off or taped over. Cop a bad attitude and limp, while complaining bitterly about the Giants. Bonus points if you can sleep with a woman who is not your wife!

Advantage: No one will be offended, because no one likes Barry. You can be as anti-social as you like. If you have sex afterwards, you can blame the impotence on staying in character, and being roided up.

Disadvantage: Might be hard to walk down hallways, and someone might swing on you. Very low chance of getting any.

9. Bill Belichick. Wear a beat-up Patriots pullover, and bring a few Web cameras. Leave them in the host's bedroom and bathroom, while making it very obvious that you are doing so. When confronted about this, deny the activity. Oh, and if there is any competitive activity going on, run up the score beyond all limits of humanity.

Advantage: Assuming you are not in New England, no chance of offense, and the costume is pretty easy.

Disadvantage: Some Masshole may go postal on you, and the only nooky you will get will be middle-aged or have a horrific accent.

8. Chris Benoit. A special one for the boys over at MBSR, this one involves no shirt, oiling up, wandering around with a freaked out stare, and way too many comments about how your wife and kid couldn't make it to the party, and how you really need to go work out. Alone.

Advantage: If you are in shape, this a great way to show it off, so you might actually wind up getting some out of this.

Disadvantage: The person you sleep with may be clinically insane.

7. Tim McCarver. Dress up in old man attire, complete with thick glasses and graying hair. Rant at anyone who will listen how surprising it is that teams that hit leadoff home runs score more than teams with leadoff walks. Pepper this rant with Grandpa Simpson-esque asides like "Where are my pills?" and "Bob Gison used to pitch with an onion in his belt. Which was the style at the time..." If you run out of materials, feign sleep and drool.

Advantage: Gives you the chance to break out that awful accent. After the interminable playoffs, you can probably do his voice in your nightmare-filled sleep.

Disadvantage: The person who came as Deion Sanders gets to dowse you with ice water, and no one will stop them.

6. Front Running Red Sox Fan. Wear a JD Drew jersey, talk with an accent that will make people want to beat the crap out of you, and talk about how you really suffered the last two years, before this one.

Advantage: Easy costume and accent, and you can drink until you puke while still being in character. Heck, why not tip over a few cars while you are at it?

Disadvantage: If someone starts beating on you, they won't be alone.

5. Marc Bulger. Dress in a Rams jersey, and crumple in half theatrically whenever anyone touches you, due to your "bad ribs." In any kind of situation where you may be passing (a beer, a napkin, candy, etc.), throw to the wrong receiver. For the piece de resistance, bring a mannequin labeled "Your Fantasy Team's Season" that you repeatedly stab in the back.

Advantage: Easy costume, gives you a lot to do.

Disadvantage: Will go over the heads of everyone but strong football fans. Identifies you as a fantasy nerd, making the post-party hook-up damn near impossible.

4. Zinedine Zidane. Just wear soccer gear and bash people with your head, then argue with anyone who gives you grief afterwards. (This one works a lot better if you drink heavily, though that's pretty true of all of them, really.)

Advantage: Allows you to smash people with your head.

Disadvantage: You are spending the entire evening smashing people with your head. Also, you're French.

3. Tim Donaghy. Wear a ref shirt and bet on *everything*, no matter how trivial.

Advantage: Very simple costume. Just grab a ref's shirt and a whistle.

Disadvantage: In that it involves people knowing something about the NBA, no one will get your costume.

2. Bud Selig. A nice comedy tag-team partner to Bonds, and an easy costume for the middle-aged. Just wear your most crumpled suit, act profoundly depressed, and be a complete douche about whether or not you are going to do various party activities.

Advantage: Very easy look, and all you have to do is talk like Droopy Dog to stay in character.

Disadvantage: Don't look in the mirror, or you may have to start punching yourself.

1. Pac Man Jones. Oh, the possibilities. Bring a bag full of fake money and make it rain. "Wrestle" a friendly shill. Attempt to rap. Frankly, you could go all the way to Najeh Davenport level with this one, and everyone is just going to assume that you are staying in character. Just be sure to have a good apology ready in advance for the Commish.

Advantage: You can do just about anything, legal or illegal. The possibilities, really, are endless.

Disadvantage: Those possibilities include jail time.

Happy Halloween!