TOP 10 THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR ON AN NFL TELECAST

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

10. "Boy, no one is hitting at all out there. It's like a sorority pillow fight."

9. "We met Star Quarterback last night, and let me tell you, he really, really smells bad. He could knock a buzzard off a crap wagon, such is the stench."

8. "When you talk to the guys in the locker room about Star Linebacker, they will all tell you, to a man, that he really couldn't care less."

7. "Some people will tell you that Coach is really mad about that dumb penalty, but I think he's kind of used to it by now. This is all for show."

6. "Here's the Cheerleaders. I just never saw the point, really. I mean, you can see her tits and ass just fine, but I am really supposed to be turned on by a woman waving around crepe paper?"

5. "These teams really do love each other. You can tell. Nobody wants to put a hard hit on somebody, and everyone's helping each other up. It's all... so... beautiful."

4. "It's 4th and 1, and the crowd really wants them to go for it. You know what, I think they are right. Coach is just a big pussy."

3. "Some people will tell you this is a critical division matchup in a pivotal year. I'm here to tell you that those people have no perspective, and that neither of these teams are going to do a damn thing in the playoffs. You can watch if you want, but if you've got gutters to clean, now's the time, really."

2. "Touchdown, Star Running Back! Too bad the credit for the play doesn't go where it belongs, with the offensive line that made that run about as difficult as crossing the street. Instead, let's all pretend that these prima donnas deserve this attention. Oh boy, will there be an imaginative spiking ritual?"

1. "Tune in next week to see... oh, man. These games totally suck. Seriously, take the week off. Football will still be here when you get back."