TOUGH DAY TO BE A BIRD-WATCHER

by T, The Angry T

As an avid bird watcher, I can tell you that patience and silence are the keys to seeing rare birds in their natural habitat. Unfortunately for bird watchers in Chicago’s Montrose Harbor, silence is hard to come by when you are bird watching in place where hundreds of dudes are boning each other.

Many of the birders' favorite areas, such as the Magic Hedge at Montrose Harbor and several Cook County Forest Preserves, are littered with used condoms and discarded wrappers.

Birdwatchers hoping to see a yellow breasted finch are shocked when they encounter the “Chicago Cruiser,” a gay man that trolls the park in search of a willing sex partner.

"The whole thing is eye contact," said Sgt. Phil Greco of Chicago's Town Hall district, who has ordered stings at Montrose Harbor. "They look at each other and stare each other down. If they feel comfortable, they wander off and do what they wish to do."

Being gay must be like a bachelor party every day of your life. All these guys have to do is look at each other in the right part of town and they get some action. Can you imagine if this happened anywhere in the rest of the world? If Montrose Harbor was a haven for straight sex, there would be around 5.5 billion people living in that 5 acre area. Think about this phenomenon at your local bar, just look at the chick you want to hook up with and if she gives you the right look back, you punch your ticket to pound-town for the evening. Say what you want about homosexuals, but they got this whole, “look at me and we have sex” business 100 percent right.

As for avid bird watchers like myself having to step over condoms and dudes going at it to see a robin, I see it is means to an end. The “Look and then have Sex,” phenomenon, or LATHS for short, will only have a chance to make it’s way into straight culture if the gays are allowed to run with it. Just listen to this lawyer:

"Historically, these charges have been used as discrimination against homosexuals," said Jon Erickson, a Chicago lawyer who has defended cruising suspects. "I've never seen a straight couple charged with public indecency in Branch 29 court."

That’s because straight people can’t just walk into parks, meet up with members of the opposite sex, and go at it…yet. You are a brave individual Mr. Gay Man, I can only hope that your courage and vision gets me laid at least once in the future.