4TH ESTATE GRAFITTI: REN'S TEN

by Ren McCormack, Hugging Harold Reynolds

Some times, the 4th Estate can just crap on the MSM without scribbling all over it's published work.

One of our more popular posts at HHR was Ariel's top unrealistic sports-related themes in movies and television.

Conversation with Fat Willard had me thinking of something along those lines. So, to share with our new EC readers three of our favorite HHR segments - Ariel's pop culture prowess, the chief's knack for all that is wrong with those who make cash entertaining us, and Ren's Ten (ten items from a loosely related sports theme), the staff at HHR presents:

Actors who had no business playing the athlete roles they were cast in.

Let's address the obvious right away. Daniel E. 'Rudy' Ruettiger is listed at being 5'7". Sean "Lynn McGill" Astin is 5'6". Plus, [insert Notre Dame football joke here] the way the Irish are playing right now, a little-ball-of-go like Astin might be what the squad needs. Rudy, is not on this list.

Tom Cruise, All the Right Moves.

Don't get me wrong...helluva movie. But let's keep it real. At 5'7" with lifts and his Caucasian heritage, are you going to really try to sell me on Tom Cruise being a top college recruit vying for a scholarship? At d-back? At least they made up for it with realism in other casting with Craig T. Nelson as the obligatory evil high school football coach, Leah Thompson as the obligatory 80's high school sweetheart and the original Fat Willard, Chris Penn as the obligatory high school jock knocking up his main squeeze.

Pool hustler, fighter pilot, race car driver, I'm buying. Not this.

Stefen "Stef" Djordjevic

Speaking of evil coaches and short white footballers...

Scott Caan, Varsity Blues.

Dude's 5'4". He's the go-to-receiver from 37-year-old high school quarterback Dawson "Mox" Leary? Good actor, but stick with a drunken 5'4" bar fighter like in under-rated Dallas 362.

(It should be noted that in consulting with the HHR staff, many came to Tweeter's defense, citing his all-around toughness, and as the Rev. put it, "Especially considering he was playing through with multiple VD’s.")

Craig Sheffer, The Program

Here's a movie that my high school team would watch to get all jacked up before games (really). We would utter lines about knocking the snot bubbles out of our opponents, rounding up the doggies and one ahole on our team actually tried the laying on the yellow lines in the middle of a road bit (I guess the distributer had a point when they had that scene pulled from the movie after it was released). Not a bad casting job all around. Lats was fantastic, as was Mack. I am guessing that Wesley Snipes was unavailable, so the part of Darnell Jefferson went to Omar Epps. However, their field general/Heisman hopeful part went to 33-year-old Craig Sheffer. At that age, Vincenzo Testaverde had already been on 17 pro teams. Let's just say Kane was not able.

Son, you're older than I am.

Ray Allen, He Got Game

Here's another case where the movie was good. But could you not find a better actor to line up opposite one of the best (albeit he plays himself in every film) actors of our generation in Denzel Washington besides Ray Allen? I mean sure, Jesus Shuttleworth (best movie name) - A for effort - but his acting was simply horrendous, and this is only magnified when you got him on screen with someone like Washington.

Jesuschristman! I can't work with you amateurs.

Matthew Modine, Vision Quest

Ok, you get to choose to believe one of these.

1) Matthew Modine is a champion high school wrestler
2) Matthew Modine can score with Linda Fiorentino

That's a trick question, you can't believe either. But not only does he wrestle, and get the hot older babe, he beats the neandethal Kuch an undefeated Drago-like monster who could pound him into chutney. He should stick to playing Doctors in sports movies (Any Given Sunday).

(Side note- Look up Vision Quest on IMDB. Under Plot Keywords the first phrase is "Male Nudity". Whhhaaaaa???)

Bill Bellamy, Any Given Sunday

At least Steamin' Willie Beaman's Jaime Foxx was a legitimate high school QB. Now, I have no knowledge as to Bellamy's athletic history, but what the hell - was Todd Pinkston not available? Bad enough you have a 70 year old LT playing the defensive leader of your squad.


Ken "Wiseguy" Wahl, The Wanderers

Yeah I know, not a sports movie. So how do gangs agree to settle disputes with pressure from local mafioso big wigs on a football field in the climactic ending? The gangs just happen to have some neighborhood teams they toss together, including some killer cheerleaders on the Del Bombers' sideline. This movie was so ridiculous that I loved it. But what an unathletic bunch, lead by Wahl.

Anthony Perkins, Fear Strikes Out

Not taking anything away from Perkins, because he is a fine actor. But he is terrible at pretending to be a ballplayer. Check the clip for Perkins 'swing' and his sprint around the bases.



Another reason people discredit Perkins in the role is because...well...I'll let Jimmy himself explain that one...

He seems like his head is on straight these days though.

Adam Sandler, The Longest Yard (2005)

The original is a favorite of mine. Like many, I feel this movie should have never been remade. Worse than that, how do you replace an icon of masculinity like Burt Reynolds with an icon of lunacy and baby-talk like the Excited Southerner? Hibbity, hibbity hoo.

Photo: trendhunter.com / Direct TV

Oliver Platt, Ready to Rumble

It's hard discussing this movie because in my mind it doesn't exist. But if it did, this is how it went down:

Studio Exec 1- "What's hot right now?"

Studio Exec 2- "Wresting is pretty hot. Let's try and make some money off the idiot imbreds that think its real."

Studio Exec 1- "Sounds good. What do we do?"

Studio Exec 2- Wellllll, it seems simple from what I have seen. The champ gets screwed by the promoter and another guy who wants to be champ. He gets mad and retires...better yet...goes into hiding he is so embarrassed.

Studio Exec 1- Wait, why would he hide, it's wrestling, it all fixed. He doesn't really lose anything.

Studio Exec 2- I know...but it doesn't matter...Anyway, he goes and hides and these two loveable wrestling fan idiots find him and make him comeback to retain his title.

Studio Exec 1- That is easily the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I love it. Who could we get to play the loveable losers.

Studio Exec 2- Hmmmm....How about David Arquette?

Studio Exec 1- LOVE IT!!! Who else?

Studio Exec 2- Hmmmmm.....Scott Caan?

Studio Exec 1- Jimmy Caan's kid? Isn't he like 5'1? I can maybe see him as a WR or maybe a....

Studio Exec 2- Trust me, the kids love him. And I got the perfect guy for the Champ. This guy is 100% man. He is a great actor. He looks like an adonis. Chiseled from stone. Catches lighting in a bottle. You see this guy, you think "championship wrestler"

Studio Exec 1- "Tell me, Tell me...christ you got me all moist."

Studio Exec 2- "Oliver Platt."