THE BLOG WISER HOT SEAT: DMTSHOOTER OF FIVE TOOL TOOL

by Stan and Rupert, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes

It's another round of ye olde Blog Wiser Hot Seat today at Epic Carnival. This is your chance as well as ours to get to know the residents at this here site on a much more personal level. Today's guest needs no introduction, as he is the undisputed heavyweight-champion of the list, DMtShooter of the one and only Five Tool Tool.

DMtShooter is one of the keystones to the magic that is Epic Carnival as he provides cunning wit on a daily basis, typically in the form of a really hilarious list. We suggest you get to know him while he is still here, because the folks at Letterman are banging down his door. He tells it to you hot, he tells it to you cold, he tells it to the young, he tells it to the old (sorry, just watched Talk To Me with Don Cheadle). We sat down with him in his New Jersey bomb shelter man space.

Ghosts: If you hadn’t guessed, we are big fans of the daily lists on EC. How did you come to enjoy making lists on a regular basis? Also, could you expand upon your process a little, such as how the ideas come to you and the amount of time a typical post takes?

DMtShooter: Enjoy? ENJOY? You think I enjoy opening up a vein every day for these life-draining reminders that all I am is Scrap’s list monkey, and that no matter what else is going on in my day, I’ve got to make with the funny, or he’ll outsource the feature to some third-world hotshot who’s got Onion Sports and Babel Fish translation bookmarks for a fraction of my outrageous salary? AND I NEED THAT MONEY BAD! REAL BAD! PRISON BAD!

This is not enjoyment, my dear Space Ghost. It’s *art.* And whoring.

Anyway…. half or more of the process is to come up with the concept. It’s usually topical, and a lot of it can come from just trying to see another side of something that’s going on, I usually just keep a file of possible ideas during the day.

Oh, and there’s also my Dream Diary, of course.

If half of the final output doesn’t come in the first 15 to 20 minutes of writing the piece, I’m not too proud to break out crying, IM all of my friends for ideas, or bring in Old Mother Opium and Papa Absinthe. It used to be crack pipes and malt liquor, but then I said to myself, “Self, you’re better than that.”

The whole process usually takes about 2 hours, and then I’ve got the rest of my day free to shave the cat. No matter what I do, the hair just keeps growing back. Maddening, really.

Ghosts: Just curious, have you guys sold many shirts over at Five Tool Tool?

DMtShooter: The Garment of Greatness™ is available for $18, which includes postage. It is 100% cotton, with three color printing, is available in Medium, Large and Extra Large, and is an American Apparel product. Your purchase goes to support American industry, American design, and an American sports blog. If you fail to purchase it, I have to ask you, why do you hate America?

You should get beyond your hatred of America and buy this thing already. I have it on good authority that it will get you nookie, because chicks and Senators in restrooms just Dig The Tool. Senators also usually have money, so the shirt will pay for itself within minutes, especially if you’ve got mad skillz.

But perhaps I have shared too much… um, yes, we’ve sold some. Thanks for asking!

Ghosts: It takes a big man to dedicate their fandom to the greater good. Recently, you aligned yourself and your terrible luck to the dreaded New England Patriots as your new team – almost like a Cooler in Vegas – to instigate their demise. Can you tell us about your exploits so far as a Pats’ fan? Is it really easier to get laid just by wearing eye black?

DMtShooter: Thank you for acknowledging my Bigness, but how *dare* you impugn my conversion to Masstermind status! It’s that kind of cynicism that’s ruining sports in this country. Can’t we all get along and just feel happy for the good people of New England, who have never done a thing to deserve our ire as sports fans?

In regards to getting laid more after The Conversion, it’s ALL TRUE. Now that I’ve seen the light and become a Masstermind, everything is much, much better. As you’ve noted with the Bigness, I’m no longer short, my penis now works for minutes at a time, my daughters show mw respect without having to resort to stuffed animal hostage taking, and Mrs. Shooter is scrubbing toilets and cooking meals, rather than making money in airport restrooms. I’m just kicking myself for not doing this, oh, ten weeks ago.

Ghosts: What’s playing on the iPod these days?

DMtShooter: As far as I can tell, Coach Bellichick does not have an iPod, so I’ve resisted its siren call to date. Also, I’m freaking old by blogger standards, and still own cassette tapes and books, so this whole entertainment floating in the air just strikes me as something you wacky young people do.

What’s playing on Pandora and my CDs, however, is Modest Mouse, White Stripes, Wu Tang Clan, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Tom Waits, Prince, Ween, and Richard Thompson. In general, if I like it, it was cool about five to ten years ago, and has probably passed its peak now. I need to move to Canada and become the coolest guy in the country.

Ghosts: Do you have a good concert story you would care to share?

DMtShooter: In a past life, I actually was the lead singer in a rock band that played a couple of hundred gigs, so I have way too many. As with most things in life, you remember the bad times more clearly than the good, because they make for better stories later.

One of the most memorable was in Ithaca, NY. We had gotten play from the local college station, so I got us a Saturday opener booking at what I was told was the best place in town. We get there, the place has 100+ people in it, and that’s a good crowd for an opener… but it was all bleeding ponytail types, 40s and 50s, who were there to listen to Hootie-ish acoustic music. We were a heavy punk rock band, and while we did play unplugged from time to time, we weren’t prepared or equipped to do that.

So the band asks me what we should do – turn down and suck or be ourselves. I looked at the crowd and chose the latter. What the hell, they weren’t going to like us either way, might as well go out with guns blazing and get in a little live practice. So we played well, and cleared the place faster than a bomb threat. The five survivors bought shirts and CDs, the management and headliner wanted us killed, and we left town faster than a paid hooker.

As bad as that was, it was also oddly satisfying. When I present work now, either at my day job, my site or EC, I know it won’t go as bad as that. So our Anonymous haters, most of whom are bitter romantic conquests of mine from back in the day -- I’m sorry, but you can’t all be Mrs. Shooter – don’t really have much impact to my life.

Plus, the opium helps. Oh, Sweet Mother Opium.

Ghosts: What was/is your favorite Saturday morning cartoon and character?

DMtShooter: Either the old-school Spiderman, for the rocking theme song and easy accessibility, or Batman, because he put beautiful women in the old Bat Cuffs on a routine basis.

Spidey had the accessibility, since anyone can get bitten by a bug. But then, there’s putting babes in handcuffs. And let’s face it, you *know* they just wanted to be tied up and freaked on. Why else would they make their deathtraps so easy to escape, and hire such utter incompetents as underlings?

Ghosts: Who do you predict will win the NBA rookie of the year award?

DMtShooter: As I wrote just this week, it won’t be Kevin Durant, because the Sonics are going to stink their way out of Seattle and while his numbers will be good, his percentages won’t be. The voters are not going to go for that.

I could see Yi making it if the Bucks make a playoff run, but I suspect he’s going to hit the wall very, very hard in the second half. Maybe even Acie Law or Al Thornton if the Hawks could ever be competent. But my real guess is that the ROY hasn’t seen real minutes yet, and will be a second-half phenom, like a Jo Noah or Marco Belinelli.

Ghosts: Where do you see Epic Carnival 6 months from now?

DMtShooter: I’m going to go out on a limb here and say we’ll be at the same URL, only with a lot more Japanese tentacle porn. Scrap’s got this whole schoolgirl thing that… perhaps I’ve shared too much.

Ghosts: What is your favorite card in your old sportscard collection?

DMtShooter: Manny Trillo, the old Phillies second baseman who would read the baseball before throwing it to first when the runner was slow, just to show off the fact that he had this amazing arm. Since he did it every play, it had more of the feel of a Tourette’s tick than a show-up move.

I’m not judging, but the valuation of cards is a clear sign that people still want to persist in magical thinking. There’s also this: Michael Eisner, who used to run Disney, has recently bought Topps, and is on the record as saying that he wants to make Bazooka Joe as mainstream as Mickey Mouse. I wasn’t on opium when I read that, but maybe he was.

Ghosts: What are the 3 best blogs on the internet (excluding 5TT of course)?

DMtShooter: I’m going to avoid the usual sports blogs shout outs so that I don’t expose my utter inadequacies as a blogger by pointing you people to The Competition, or slight anyone in particular. I feel the same way about other sports blogs as Tupuc did for Bigge. That’s just the way I roll. But I still got mad luv for my fellow Carnies. Word.

I check out The Comics Curmudgeon far too often for my Gil Thorpe fix, jump in to political outrages via Eschaton, and like to go all voyeuristic with occasional FTT commenter The Bee at Spread Eagle in NYC. The woman can write.

But in general, I rely on individual links from trusted sources for my daily need to be entertained.

Ghosts: It’s word association time.

DMtShooter:
Hilary: Media.
Oil: Exploitation.
Vince Vaughn: Smuggy.
Redneck: Hogscraper.
Jamba Juice: Healthy flatulence. *Very* healthy flatulence.

Ghosts: Have you ever smoked DMT?

DMtShooter: I find this question to be beneath my standing as a non-cannibal. I don’t like to judge, but if you are smoking people, you have real problems.

Ghosts: Finally, who is your favorite person named Lance?

DMtShooter: Ito. Thanks to his efforts, sports bloggers got OJ for another decade, and without OJ, I’m not sure many of us could get through the day.

Ghosts: Alright buddy. Thanks a million for taking the time to chat with us and more so for your great work at Epic Carnival. It was a real pleasure. Until next time folks, we bid you so long.