THE CARNIES: IT'S BALLOT TIME

by Adam Best, Arrowhead Addict

[Co-hosts Gilbert Arenas and Lisa Lampanelli step onto the stage and sit down in set chairs that bear their names. Their names aren't stitched on either -- they are ducktaped. Gilbert is dressed like a poor man's Kanye West, while Lisa is done up like one of the trashy wives from Goodfellas.]

Lisa: Welcome to the special ballot announcement show for the first ever Carny Awards, aka The Carnies. We're live -- not from Radio City Music Hall or The Kodak Theater -- but from The Fargo Dome. Cheap bastards. We're your hosts, Lisa Lampanelli and...

Gilbert: "Agent Zero" Gilbert Arenas. Who are you again?

Lisa: Trust me, if you were Gilbert the Gas Station Attendant instead of Gilbert the NBA Star, you'd know me. You'd be pumping gas during the day, and pumping my fat ass at night. Anyway, how'd they get one of yous to come into this dump and do this gig?

Gilbert: They paid me everything they had. Plus, they promised me they wouldn't trash me and my Wizards.

Lisa: Not doing so hot this season. Huh, Hitachi?

Gilbert: It's Hibachi. And how'd they get you if they paid me everything they had?

Lisa: They told me that you were gonna bang me after the show was over. Now that's hotter than a Hibachi.

Gilbert: It's Nacho now anyway. Figured a big girl like you could remember that. And my knee's been bugging me. The last thing I need to do is go hoggin' and throw my back out.

Lisa: This... (stands up and does a pelvic thrust) is too much woman for your scrawny ass anyway. (sits back down) Besides, with your shot selection... you do that sober, I mean, I can't imagine what you'd do if you got a little of that Courvoisier all of yous like up in ya.

Gilbert: Just because I'm The Black President doesn't mean I'm going to hook up with a bunch of Monica Lewinskys. Enough trash talk -- I have to save some for my hecklers. (looking at the teleprompter) Here are the award categories and finalists for --

Lisa: -- please (laughing her ass off)... Like you can read.

Gilbert: I have my own blog. I went to college. What the hell are you talking about, lady?

Lisa: A fine-looking black man with money and an education. I'm really in love this time.

Gilbert: (rolls his eyes, looks back at teleprompter) Here are the award categories and finalists for the 2007 and inaugural edition of The Carny Awards.

Lisa: (reading) The mean-spirited sports awards show where you pick the losers...

The Award Categories for the 2007 Carny Awards:

(These nominations are not based solely on the author's viewpoints, and are also not necessarily the specific views of any member of the Epic Carnival staff. They are also the combined result of extensive research done within the sports blogosphere and an ongoing e-mail discussion between the E.C. staff -- The Carnies.)

(drumroll....)

Celebrity Sports Fan You'd Like to Bitchslap:

• Alyssa Milano (Los Angeles Dodgers fan)
• Ashley Judd (Kentucky Wildcats fan)
• Ben Affleck (Boston Red Sox fan)
• Bill Simmons (Boston Sports fan)
• Dane Cook (Boston Red Sox fan)
• Spike Lee (New York Knicks fan)

Sports Figure You'd Like to Bitchslap:

• Alex Rodriguez (New York Yankees)
  
• Barry Bonds (MLB free agent)
  
• Bill Belichick (New England Patriots head coach)
  
• Curt Schilling (Boston Red Sox)
• Kobe Bryant (Los Angeles Lakers)
  
• Terrell Owens (Dallas Cowboys)
  

Most-Ridiculously Foreign:

• Anderson Silva (UFC/Brazil)
  
• Daisuke Matsuzaka (Boston Red Sox/Japan)
• Darko Milicic (Memphis Grizzlies/Serbia)
• Ichiro Suzuki (Seattle Mariners/Japan)
  
• Ozzie Guillen (Chicago White Sox/Venezuela)

Best Criminal Athlete:

• Chris Henry (Cincinnati Bengals)
• Michael Vick (Atlanta Falcons)
• Pacman Jones (Tennessee Titans)
• Rafer Alston (Houston Rockets)
• Tank Johnson (Chicago Bears/Dallas Cowboys)
  

Best Criminal Ex- or Non-Athlete:

• Eric Schnupp (Baylor Bears assistant coach)
• Isiah Thomas (New York Knicks head coach/president)
• Joe Cullen (Detroit Lions assistant coach)
• O.J. Simpson (retired NFL star)
• Tim Donaghy (former NBA ref)
  

The Bobby Knight Insane Rant:

• Chuck Liddell (UFC)
• Charley (clinically insane Florida Gators fan)
  
• Darko Milicic (Memphis Grizzlies)
  
• Mike Gandy (Oklahoma State NCAAFB head coach)
  
• Suzyn Waldman (New York Yankees announcer)

Deadbeat Daddy (Worst Athlete Father):

• Charles Rodgers (former NFLer/five illegitimate children)
  
• Elijah Dukes (Tampa Bay Rays/five illegitimate children, knocked up a 17-year-old foster child)
  
• Evander Holyfield (boxer/nine illegitimate children)
• Ray Lewis (Baltimore Ravens/six children by four women)
  
• Travis Henry (Denver Broncos/nine illegitimate children with nine women)

Fugliest Person in Sports:

• Chris Kaman (Los Angeles Clippers)
• Larry Bird (Indiana Pacers president)
  
• Linda Cohn (ESPN anchor)
  
• Peyton Manning (Indianapolis Colts)
  
• Randy Johnson (Arizona Diamondbacks)
  
• Sam Cassell (Los Angeles Clippers)

Female Sports Celeb You'd Drain Your Bank Account to Sleep With:

• Amanda Beard (U.S. Olympic swimmer)
  
• Beyoncé (New Jersey Nets owner's girlfirend)
• Bridget Moynahan (Tom Brady's baby's mama)
  
• Giselle Bundchen (Tom Brady's girlfriend)
• Ingrid Vandebosch (Jeff Gordon's wife)
  
• Jessica Alba (Golden State Warriors fan)
  

Male Sports Celeb You'd Drain Your Bank Account to Sleep With:

• David Beckham (Los Angeles Galaxy)
• Derek Jeter (New York Yankees)
  
• Leonardo DiCaprio (Los Angeles Lakers fan)
• Matt Damon (Boston Red Sox fan)
  
• Tom Brady (New England Patriots)
• Tony Parker (San Antonio Spurs)

Worst Shaqtor (Worst Athlete Actor):

• Antonio Tarver (boxer/Rocky Balboa)
  
• Chuck Liddell (UFC/Entourage)
  
• Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (ex-pro wrestler/The Game Plan)
  
• Katie Holmes (marathon runner/lifetime achievement)
  
• Shaquille O'Neal (Miami Heat/lifetime achievement)
• Steve Austin (wrestler)/Vinnie Jones (ex-soccer player)(The Condemned)
  

WWWL (Worst of the World Wide Leader):

• Chris Berman (ESPN talent)
• Colin Cowherd (radio host).
  
• Emmitt Smith (NFL analyst)
  
• Mike Ditka (NFL analyst)
  
• Jemele Hill (mag writer/Page 2 columnist)
• Skip Bayless (columnist/TV personality)
• Stephen A. Smith (ESPN talent)
  

The Joe Theismann Futility in Broadcast Journalism:

• Mike Patrick (ESPN)
• Pam Ward (ESPN)
  
• Paul Maguire (ESPN)
  
• Shannon Sharpe (CBS)
• Solomon Wilcots (CBS/NFLN)
  
• Tim McCarver (Fox)
• Tony Kornheiser (ESPN)

The '76 Bucanneers Disgrace to Team Sports:

• Chicago White Sox (MLB)
• Memphis Grizzlies (NBA)
  
• Miami Dolphins (NFL)
  
• Notre Dame (NCAAFB)
• Tampa Bay Rays (MLB)

Overpaid Sports Excrement (Most Overpaid Athletes):

• David Beckham (Los Angeles Galaxy)
  
• Fernando Alonso (Formula One driver)
• Michelle Wie (golfer)
  
• Oscar de la Hoya (boxer)
  
• Stephon Marbury (New York Knicks)

Fantasy Football Piece of Shit:

• Cedric Benson (Chicago Bears)
  
• Donovan McNabb (Philadelphia Eagles)
  
• Frank Gore (San Fransisco 49ers)
  
• Laurence Maroney (New England Patriots)
• Marvin Harrison (Indianapolis Colts)
  
• Shaun Alexander (Seattle Seahawks)
  

Gag-Inducing Sports Story (Most Overhyped):

• The A-Rod Saga (Alex Rodriguez)
  
• Anything Brett Favre (Brett Favre)
• NFL Bad Boys (Chris Henry, Michael Vick, Pacman Jones and Tank Johnson)
  
• Notre Shame (Notre Dame NCAAFB)
  
• Spygate (New England Patriots)
• The Donaghy Scandal (NBA ref Tim Donaghy)

Redonkulous Sports Image:

• Brady Quinn is Poison-ing the Interwebs
  
• Oscar de la Hoya in Drag
• Green Bay Package
• Shaun's Knee is Gone
  
• Tim Tebow Loves Jugs

Most-Aggravating Sportsblog Trend:

• BallHyping/YardBarking the bejesus out of MSM Stories
• Bloggers not linking substantial pieces of writing by other bloggers
  
• Commenters who only comment to talk shit on blogs/bloggers
  
• Linking at the very bottom of a post after the blogger has stolen the beef of another post
• Sportsbloggers hating on other sportsblogs/sportsbloggers

Sports Blogosphere Whipping Boy:

• Barry Bonds (MLB free agent)
• Brady Quinn (Notre Dame/Cleveland Browns)
• Derek Jeter (New York Yankees)
  
• Kige Ramsey (vlogger)
• Mark Mangino (Kansas Jayhawks NCAAFB head coach)
  
• Michael Vick (Atlanta Falcons)
  
• Pacman Jones (Tennessee Titans)
  
• Tom Brady (New England Patriots)

Starting later tonight, we'll kick off The Voting Booth and release the polls for the first couple award categories. Polls will run nightly until all categories have been posted. The results will be posted after a number of sufficient votes have been tallied for each award category.

You can also write in candidates here by leaving a comment (list "write-in candidate/award category") over the course of the next 48 hours or so. Write-in candidates who receive overwhelming responses will be added.

Remember to stop by and vote every day, as each day will feature different awards.

CLICK HERE TO VOTE!

(Image: Zach Best/Fan-Sided Blogs)