CHESTER TAYLOR IS VERY SUPPORTIVE OF ADRIAN PETERSON

by T, The Angry T

The Angry T’s crack investigative team has intercepted a letter from Chester Taylor, the former staring tailback for the Minnesota Vikings, to the man who stole his job, Adrian Peterson. As you might imagine, Chester isn’t the happiest guy in the Vikings locker room now that Peterson has stolen his job for the foreseeable future. Taylor has hate in his heart and he is letting it out:

First and foremost, I would like to congratulate my teammate, Adrian Peterson, for breaking the single game rushing record. Gosh, I couldn’t be more proud of you, if I didn’t hate you more than Fred Smoot hates strippers that don’t put out on party boats.

Now that all that garbage is out of the way, I would also like to tell you to get the hell back on the bench. Do you understand what I had to go through to get here? I was drafted in the sixth round out of Toledo and sat and waited a good four years watching that fat son of a bitch Jamal Lewis rush for around 3.8 a carry. Around year three I was so fed up that I arranged a drug transaction, had it taped by the cops, and got him put in jail just so I could get a chance. I lost count at 15 for how many felons I paid to shank Jamal with a sharpened toothbrush in the shower while he was in the clink. But oh no, he made it out alive and I lost my starting spot again. All was not lost however; there was a glimmer of hope.

The Vikings saw my talent and signed me to be the feature back. They paid me 14.1 million dollars to carry the ball and not bang strippers on a party cruise. I had 1,500 yards from scrimmage last year for shit’s sake, it was Chester’s time. Then they drafted you Adrian. Good looking poster boy who runs a 4.35 40 at 220 pounds. When I saw you put on the Vikings hat it was like someone scissor kicked me in the junk.

Oh look at me, “I say all the right things in an interview”, “I’m a real team player”, “I want to be the best ever,” just shut up you overachiever. Don’t think I forgot that you said Brad Childress looks like a white Gandhi. I will blackmail the hell out of you. Erik the Red would kick the shit out of you if he knew you were representing Vikings around the world by being such a loser. They rape and pillage Europe, discover Canada and you rape and pillage my life, very convenient.

So thanks a lot pal, apparently 15 million guaranteed in a signing bonus wasn’t enough, you had to take everything that was good in my life. I wish all the best for you Adrian, I really do, and by all the best, I mean I hope your right knee contracts an aggressive strain of herpes. After that, I want them to bring me in for the surgery so I can “accidentally” amputate your leg and attach it to your forehead so you have to live in shame for the rest of your stupid life.

Just don’t think I am going to take this laying down, you better watch your back. One day you’re going to turn a corner in the locker room and I am a going to throw one of those diseased monkeys from Outbreak on your face. How does Ebola taste you son of a bitch? Keep an eye on your collarbones as well pal, those things will snap like breadsticks in next couple weeks, mark my words.

Good luck though, and go Vikes.

Best of luck you jerk off,
Chester Taylor

(Originally published 11/5)