COCAINE'S BIG WEEK OUT

by The Original JD, Six Pack Sports Report

"They say that cocaine increases self-confidence and creates a type of euphoria." - Martina Hingis

Ladies and gentlemen the greatest writer in the history of Epic Carnival and the happiest man on Earth right now back again - please try to contain yourselves. The breaking news right now coming out of that hotbed of media activity, Zurich, Sweden, is that former girl who everyone thought was cute when she was 16, but then became utterly uncute when she turned 18 and then disappeared and reappeared four years later professional tennis player Martina Hingis has retired after testing positive for cocaine. I'm sure that the world of women's tennis has been rocked by this scandal - I mean someone has highly regarded as Martina Hingis tested positive on both her main sample, and B sample for cocaine really casts a large shadow over the entire sport. At least that is what those members of the responsible sports media are talking about today - personally I think we need to stand back and recognize something even more important then this revelation. While the Martina Hingis comeback seems to have come to a screeching halt - the cocaine comeback seems to be going forward at a staggering pace.

LL Cool J once told the world "don't call it a comeback - I've been here for years" and I'm sure that the cocaine lobby would have you all believe the same thing. But not since Rick James hit the top of the charts with "Superfreak" has cocaine had a bigger week then this one is shaping up to be.

First and foremost for a site that at least on the surface likes to pretend to be a sports related blog you've got this Martina Hingis story. Her credentials speak for themselves; she is a 5 time Grand Slam winner and former Wimbledon champion. Her career was obviously derailed due to injuries that took her out of the sport for about four years and blah blah blah nobody cares lets get to the cocaine right? Apparently Hingis claims that she had a follicle test done that came back negative for cocaine, but with both her A and B samples testing positive for blow things seem pretty bad for her.

Hingis isn't the only person bringing cocaine back as currently the #1 album on iTunes is Britney Spears "Blackout." I'm not sure Britney was trying to be ironic with that album title, but personally I couldn't support a single mother of two naming her comeback album after the effects of increased consumption of drugs and alcohol more. Sure there are some people who don't believe that Brit is capable of doing cocaine, but those are only the people who have yet to be offered the chance to snort white lines off her chest. Ah, the age old story - boy meets girl, girl has two children who is not allowed to see due to a court order, girl offers to have boy and his 10 friends come back to her house for a party and then girl allows stranger to do lines of her chest. It's a tale as old as time really and I'm just glad that Britney seems to be taking an interest in improving herself to regain custody of her children.

So now we've got a Wimbledon Champion and a best selling musician linked up to the powder in one week. Somewhere Arthur Ashe and Vince Neil are smiling down on us and nodding in approval. What's that Vince Neil isn't dead? Well he should be. But oh no my friends, I'm not done there because cocaine has your sports heroes, and your favorite musician, but it's also got the New York Times Bestsellers list because currently the #2 best selling Non Fiction book in the country is "Clapton: The Autobiography" and I don't think I need to go into detail about the exploits of Clapton Is God. Could I stop there? Of course I could, but that would be doing a disservice to cocaine which has given so much to this country that a few more sentences couldn't possibly hurt. You see while Clapton remains on top of the best sellers list the #25 best selling book on Amazon.com right now was written by the long haired, top hat wearing, drug sniffing, Guitar Hero III selling Slash.

Now I don't want to step on any toes from Video Hits One right here, but I think it's safe to say that cocaine is having the best week ever. I also know that it might be wrong to jump to any conclusions regarding Martina Hingis, who swears up and down that she is innocent, if there is one thing that we can all agree on it's that: "she don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie; cocaine."