INTRODUCING TIPS FROM LISTON pt.10

by Liston, Introducing Liston

I'm Liston and I'm cool. Like, real cool. I wear black gloves and say things like, "dope" and "rad". I live in my own efficiency apartment and pay half of the rent. My car has a bumper sticker that says "Liquor in the front, poker in the rear". I have a samurai sword in my living room. I'm good with a pocket knife. This regular Wednesday feature is called "Introducing Tips from Liston." That's me. I'm Liston and I'm cool. Like, real cool.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The opinions expressed here are those of a Liston and do not necessarily reflect the positions of EpicCarnival.com and its other writers.

You know what's really lame? Funerals, that's what. Funerals are so weak. I can only think of like, two things that are worse than going to a funeral: 1. Asking your daughter the name of her new boyfriend and having her respond with, "Tyronne". 2. The realization as you drive to work in the morning that you totally spent the entire evening looking at Veronica Moser's Web site and forgot to delete the cookies and history file. The other day my mom died. What an f'n drag that was, big time. We were at the funeral, everyone was all crying and stuff and I was like, "Ugh." That half-heartedly brings us to this week's tip:

This week's tip: How to not be so devastatingly heartbroken at a funeral.

Here's what you do to make funerals less lame:

• (Do this one when you're at a funeral where no one knows you. Oh, and it has to be an open casket funeral.) Show up to the funeral wearing a cape, a striped body suit, and a monocle. Sit there patiently until the viewing of the body starts. Stand in line and wait your turn. Once you get to the casket lean in and whisper, just loud enough so other people can hear you, "Checkmate." And then turn around and walk out of the funeral.


• Right in the middle of the eulogy you can stand up and say, "BOOOOORRRRRIIIIIINNNNGGGGG!"


• When you're viewing the body take one of the dead lady's hands and start hitting her in the face with it and then go, "Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself." That is always funny.


• You can go buy a cam-... I can't do this. I hate my life. I miss you, mom.

Liston