INTRODUCING TIPS FROM LISTON pt.11

by Liston, Introducing Liston

I'm Liston and I'm cool. Like, real cool. I wear black gloves and say things like, "dope" and "rad". I live in my own efficiency apartment and pay half of the rent. My car has a bumper sticker that says "Liquor in the front, poker in the rear". I have a samurai sword in my living room. I'm good with a pocket knife. This regular Wednesday feature is called "Introducing Tips from Liston." That's me. I'm Liston and I'm cool. Like, real cool.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The opinions expressed here are those of a Liston and do not necessarily reflect the positions of EpicCarnival.com and its other writers.

Just in case you didn't know, my wife is pregnant. I really want to have a boy so I went to see this lady that lives in my apartment complex because everyone says she is a witch and can cast spells or whatever. I went to her and said, "Witch, I want my wife to have a boy. Can you help?" Basically, she said yes. All I have to do is pay her one hundred and fifty dollars and then she will put a spell on the my wife's womb and make sure I have a boy. The best part is, if for some reason the spell doesn't work (like, because another witch put a different, more powerful spell on my wife's womb) -which apparently happens about 50% of the time- then I get half my money back. You don't find deals like that everyday.

This week's tip: How to coach an inner-city basketball team to a near championship

1. Find a team that was real shitty the year before. It's preferable that they are very disrespectful, kind of intimidating, poor, and do not have positive father figures in their lives. (read: black kids)


2. Say, "Hey, I'm the new coach. We're going to be doing things differently around here." and then make them sign a contract or something.


3. Be losing or whatever in the beginning of the game and then comeback and win. Say, "Way to go."


4. Go through some turmoil or something. Kick a kid off the team.


5. Laugh at how different their musical tastes are than yours (because people are obviously defined by the type of music they listen to).


6. Learn about them and love them. Say to your significant other, "I know you have an agenda. I had an agenda to, and it didn't involve falling in love with these kids, but I did so now my agenda has changed."


7. Have one of them die. I'm not saying you should kill a kid, but, you know, it's good to have something the team can rally around or whatever.


8. Have a cardboard cutout of a person they do not like, and everytime you win a game you take a piece of the cardboard cutouts clothes off. (This works best for baseball teams.)


9. Have the kid that was previously kicked off the team show up at your house or at practice. He should cry and say, "I got no place else to go. I got no.... place..... else...... to....... go." Then everyone gathers around him and chants, "Go Team!" or something gay like that.


10. Play the school's rival and lose by one or two points in some heartbreaking manner. Tell the kids that it's not about winning, it's about growing as men or whatever and say how much better they are as people now then when the season started.


11. Then show still shots of the people on the team with writing underneath explaining what happened to that particular person in the future.

Liston