INTRODUCING TIPS FROM LISTON pt.8

by Liston, Introducing Liston

I'm Liston and I'm cool. Like, real cool. I wear black gloves and say things like, "dope" and "rad". I live in my own efficiency apartment and pay half of the rent. My car has a bumper sticker that says "Liquor in the front, poker in the rear". I have a samurai sword in my living room. I'm good with a pocket knife. This regular feature is called "Introducing Tips from Liston." That's me. I'm Liston and I'm cool.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The opinions expressed here are those of The Liston and do not necessarily reflect the positions of EpicCarnival.com and its other writers.

If you live in a suburban house like me then you probably also have a problem with raccoons congregating on your porch and just generally invading your property. When I say raccoons, I of course mean Mexicans. Despite the obvious similarities; they're both a brownish-blackish color, they have tails and mites, and you hope that one of them doesn't get your daughter pregnant, Mexicans, like raccoons, are just plain annoying. They're always scurrying around the yard at night, digging through the trash and leaving little Mexican poops underneath my car. Ugh. Sometimes I just want to grab one of them by their neck scruff and shake the shit out of 'em.


After a few weeks of cleaning up trash from tipped trash cans, I came up with some surefire ways to prevent Mexicans from infesting my property. And that's this week's ultra helpful tip-

This week's tip: How to Keep Mexicans from defecating on your porch and doing other raccoonly things.

1. When they get by your porch you can stomp your foot and make a sharp "Chhhh!" noise. Or you can clap your hands loudly and say, "Shoo Mexican! Shoo!"


2. Pretend like you picked up a rock and are about to throw it at them. Works everytime.


3. Actually pick up a rock and throw it at them. Also works every time.


4. As you walk out to get your mail in the morning say very loudly to no one in particular that you think you saw the Cucuy (pronounced Cu-koo-ee) last night. The Cucuy is the Spanish version of the boogie man and he's fucking terrifying.


5. Spray them with the hose.


6. Take some books and lay them out on the lawn. Books are pretty much like kryptonite for Mexicans.


7. Lay some really big mouse traps outside, but instead of using cheese as bait, you can use ignorance. Mexicans love ignorance. On second thought, Mexicans love cheese too. That'll probably work. (Other things Mexicans love that you can use for bait include: bad haircuts, Curve Cologne, Carne Guisada (delicious), a pinata, pregnant teenagers, the classifieds section of a newspaper with all the masonry, landscaping and painting jobs circled.)

Fuckin' A. That's the American dream, baby.

Liston