INTRODUCING TIPS FROM LISTON pt.9

by Liston, Introducing Liston

I'm Liston and I'm cool. Like, real cool. I wear black gloves and say things like, "dope" and "rad". I live in my own efficiency apartment and pay half of the rent. My car has a bumper sticker that says "Liquor in the front, poker in the rear". I have a samurai sword in my living room. I'm good with a pocket knife. This regular Wednesday feature is called "Introducing Tips from Liston." That's me. I'm Liston and I'm cool. Like, real cool.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The opinions expressed here are those of a Liston and do not necessarily reflect the positions of EpicCarnival.com and its other writers.

If you're like me then you make love to total babes fifty times a day. (At least.) Occasionally, a total babe will ask me to come home with her to meet her family. It can be stressful, to say the least but I've pretty much mastered the art of making making the in-laws love you and totally want to suck you off. That brings us to this week's tip:

This week's tip: How to get your future in-laws to think you rock tits so they all want to suck you off.

• Just tell 'em you rock tits. How are they going to know that you rock tits and subsequently, that they want to suck you off, if you don't tell 'em? Say it like 50 times a day, all day. "Hey, how are you? Me? Oh, I'm fine. I rock tits. Wanna suck me off?" So on and so forth. Totally not annoying at all.


• Give 'em the old bait and switch. This is one of my favorites and is pretty much infallible, regardless of the situation. Anytime someone asks for something, respond with, "Yeah, I got your _______ right here..." and then grab your crotch. Ex: Can you pass me the peas? "Yeah, I got your peas right here..." [crotch grab] Oh my God, my child is missing! Have you seen her?! "Yeah, I saw her right here..." [crotch grab] Always funny, always appropriate. For a double of dose of tit rockery you can combine the first two. Ex: Have you seen Grandma Nana's pills? "Yeah, I saw them right here... [crotch grab] Oh, man. I rock tits. Wanna suck me off?" The answer, undoubtedly, will be a hearty, "Fuckin' A, baby. That's the American Dream".


• Grab a kid, sit 'em on your lap, and then start bouncing 'em around like a super fun pony ride. Do it for maybe one full minute then set the kid down. Whenever someone asks you if you stopped because you were tired say, "No. Fags get tired. I stopped cause I got a boner." It'll make you look strong and good with kids. Awesome!


• Whenever you're sitting there eating dinner make polite dinner conversation. A good line to use is to say, "Wow. This meal looks great. Did you cook it?" (motioning towards the mom or grandma) When they say yes immediately taste a side dish, like mashed potatoes or corn, and then say, "Mmmm... It tastes so good. Kinda of like your daughter's cornhole." Then make kissing noises and sexy eyes at all the women and high-five the dad. Everyone loves a compliment.


• When someone asks you where you work say, "I work right here..." then grab your crotch. (Admit it, you totally didn't see that coming.)


• People love compassion so you want them to think you're compassionate towards others. Do this: Figure out a way to get everyone in the pool or hot tub. (Easy enough) Then when you've been in there for a while pretend like you hear your phone ringing and get out. Wait like two minutes and then walk back over and get into the pool slowly. Someone will inevitably ask who you were speaking. Very matter-of-factly say, "The doctor." Then, with a slightly concerned look on your face, ask, "Can you transfer gonorrhea through pool water?" Now everyone knows how caring you are.

Sometimes it's like I don't even try.

Liston