IU/GEORGIA TECH GAME RUNNING DIARY

by Andy Kissko, Rivalfish

6:00: Alright, alright. Gametime. Well, pregame time. I just hope that the Big Ten doesn't get humiliated yet again the Big Ten/ACC challenge. If/when The Big Ten loses again I'm afraid they'll have to change the name to "The Big Ten/ACC Shit Show" for legal reasons- since that means the overall series score would be 0-9. I am hoping you are not looking for objectivity in this column by the way.

6:04: I will take this chance to admit that I don't have the Big Ten channel and have not had a chance to see Eric Gordon yet. Beholding him for the first time ought to be like holding your child for the first time. But not quite as good. So like maybe, holding your illegitimate child for the first time by a mother that you're not crazy about.

6:07: Gordon could go on to be the best IU player to wear a t-shirt underneath his jersey since Brian Evans. Maybe Gordon just has shy pit hair.

6:10: IU is in their traditional man-to-man defense and Georgia Tech is in the 2-3 zone. Someone has to say this since the announcers haven't yet. Oh good, IU is now averaging more than a turnover per minute.

6:11: What's the over/under date before Linda Cohn, in a bid to impress Stu Scott calls Eric Gordon "E. Gor."? I'm going with 12/27/07. Sadly I've been rocking that nickname for over a month. Sadlier, I've gone one unnecessary step further and paraphrased Ghostbusters with that nickname to the effect of "E.Gor, your mucus". I've never told anyone that before.

6:12: the shortest whitey on the floor right now is not on IU. That's a Big Ten/ACC Shit Show (BTACCSS) first.

6:17: DJ White is the only guy on the floor wearing red shoes. I was torn between making a Wizard of Oz joke or a Red Shoe Diaries joke. Then I realized neither were remotely funny.

6:19: A dude for GT with the last name Lawal scored. Over/Under for Stu Scott calling him "From the Windows to Lawal"- three weeks ago.

6:20: IU is losing 12-10 at the 13:00 mark. DJ White could only manage 8 of IU's 10 so far. We just learned from the announcer that DJ is from Tuscaloosa, AL. If it weren't for "April 26th, 1992" by Sublime, I'm not sure I would have ever heard of that city. Hoping Eric Gordon starts doing something....

6:23: Oh sweet! The fattest player in the history of IU basketball is now on the floor. He looks like Doughboy from Boyz in da Hood (the version of Doughboy as a kid, not when he grew up to be a wheelchair-bound Ice Cube). I'm intrigued.

6:26: For some reason Kelvin Samson looks like he really enjoys ice cream.

6:27: IU losing to a team that is more athletic than them and plays zone defense? How unforeseeable.

6:29: "Georgia Tech runs it up Indiana's backside once again" - Brad Nessler. With the score 19-13 at the 11 minute mark, I can't object.

6:31: IU getting humiliated in the BTACCSS by a battalion of more athletic bigs in the paint? Just another aspect of the tradition of IU basketball. Such a rich mosaic.

6:33: After a 9-2 IU run and a GT time out we get to hear the IU fight song. If you don't like that fight song you probably hate puppies.

6:40: I have to hand it to ESPN. They've resist their urges to show an IU basketball montage that does not include a white kid with a crew cut shooting baskets from his gravel driveway against a backboard on the side of a barn.

6:43: IU's dabbling with zone defense is paying off as they take the lead finally. E.Gor has stopped playing like mucus and has 9 points with 5:10 left in the first. Make that 11 with 4:09. Announcer Jimmy Dykes has that one kind of midwest accent where he pronounces the word "him" as "eem" a la Phil Simms. He keeps reiterating that "Gordon's streeenth is his streeeenth". In some cultures "streng-" is pronounced "streen-" apparently.

6:47: Lexus has some lame-o commercial where some dude gets a bunch of crappy Christmas presents and he feigns a smile as he opens them. But one of the gifts was nunchucks!!! What guy wouldn't want nunchucks??!! Seriously. I would sleep with them in my bed if I had some. If you see me taking the bus tomorrow, it's because I've boycotted Lexus.

6:50: Jordan Crawford for IU is suspended for "violating team rules" as a result he's in "street clothes" according to Jimmy Dykes- which is a shirt and tie. When was the last time you saw a 6'6'' Division 1 athlete on the street wearing that?

6:52: Doughboy coming back in. Deandre Thomas is his name. This might surprise any readers that know me, but I've met a De'andre before (the one I know had an apostrophe, the one for IU does not, however) no shit.

6:55: What are the odds that IU has two White guys? Historically very good. But they actually have two black guys whose surnames are White. Those odds are not quite as good.

6:58: IU is up 38-34 at the half. Switching to a zone midway through the first half has been the difference. That and the score.

7:14: IU has sold their soul to stupidom and is now one of those teams that takes stools out onto the court for timeout huddles instead of just doing it from the bench. Terrible.

7:16: Kudos to Helzberg Diamonds. They've had the best commercial so far with the toenail-painting commercial. I won't ruin it, but it's got a nice surprise ending. Nice to see some originality and humor from a diamond commercial.

7:19: Northwestern and Minnesota are both losing their BTACCSS games (by 30 points and 8 points, respectively). Thanks for coming out guys. Well, IU is now losing too. By 3.

7:21: Do you think if ESPN switched over to the ESPN Deportes sound feed they'd call The Yellow Jackets the "Jello Yackets"? Anyway, the Jello Yackets are on a 9-0 run.

7:25: I love when the announcers talk about other sports. Dykes and Nessler are talking about college football and the ex-Arkansas, newly-named-Ole Miss. coach Houston Nutt. Isn't that male version of Debbie Does Dallas? If you say his name with a southern accent it sounds like "used to nut". I won't go into any jokes to that end in this column. But god knows I'm going to when I call my friend at the commercial break.

7:30: ESPN's "30 at 30" update isn't really an update. They reported the same thing that they did 30 minutes ago. Sean Taylor is still dead. Apparently I don't know what the word update means.

7:40: At the 10 minute mark IU is down by one but has more momentum. If they're ranked 15th and lose to an unranked team in the BTACCSS I'm gonna cry.

7:46: Doughboy has his warmup jersey on over his game jersey. You never like to see that, but it does make for a more picturesque slow-mo shot of him ripping off his warmup before entering a game. It's a trade-off, really.

7:49: Just saw a commercial for Halo3. When are they going to come out with a video game called "Conditioning Your Obese Kid to be a Murderer"?

7:50: IU's up by four finally. 8 minutes left.
7:51: IU's losing by one
7:51: IU's up by two

7:54: Blocking foul on the Jello Yackets. The referee signal for a blocking foul is by far the best referee signal in American sports. (I specified the nationality because I think the Australian rules football signal for a score is just as good).

8:04: IU has a 10 point lead. Finally.

8:10: Just hung up with another buddy after a solid 6 minutes of Houston Nutt jokes.

8:11: The Big Ten is definitely going to get blown out in the BTACCSS again this year, but at least IU will have won.

8:12: Brad Nessler informed us that Lance Stemler is shooting "a thousand percent" from the foul line. Making one shot per attempt is difficult enough, but making ten shots per attempt takes an awful lot of practice.

8:15: Game Over. To quote Chris Pontius from an episode of The Wild Boyz: "Good game. I win. Let's hit the showers."