JEWELRY COMMERCIALS ARE THE DEVIL

by Thermocaster, The Meaningful Collateral

So here we are, rapidly approaching the holiday season. Thanksgiving is in just three short days, and Christmas (and all the other seasonal holidays) follow just a few weeks after. For most people, this is a time of enjoyment --- extra days off from work, visiting with friends and family, giving and receiving gifts, and so forth.

Unfortunately, as an avid sports viewer, this is the time of year I hate the most. Oh, sure, the games during this part of the season are great --- bowl games, conference championships, meaningful NFL games, college hoops, the works --- but the TV networks have trecherously conspired to poison the enjoyment of this part of the year for the majority of male fans.

The co-conspirators, of course, are the jewelry stores. That's right... Zales, Kay, Jared (especially Jared!), and others... I'm looking at you.

The current state of jewelry commercials during sporting events is an abomination of the highest order. A long time ago, we'd have to deal with the occasional jewelry commercial during a game, but by and large, those types of commercials weren't aimed at men, so they were rare. Then, about 5 or 6 years ago, someone in a godless advertising agency got the bright idea of blanketing sporting events from Thanksgiving to Christmas with these ads, hoping to guilt the unsuspecting male into making a purchase.

As if that wasn't bad enough, they EXTENDED the advertising blanket a couple years ago, so that now we have to deal with jewelry ads, almost non-stop, from two weeks before Thanksgiving until mid-February.

Most of these ads are beyond cheesy, bordering on pretentious and preachy. From the soft lighting to the cornball dialogue and overly perky actors, there's nothing at all about these jewelry ads that even remotely relates to the sporting events they're being advertised in. To quote The Master Cocksman on this topic:

...Kay Jewelers commercials. Anyone ever see any of those? Ya know the one where the bitch is sitting on the couch wallowing in her misery and the pussy whipped guy comes over and opens up a small box containing a $2,000 dollar ring and opens it. Now the bitch is all smiles, and then you hear the famous jingle, “Every kiss begins with Kay.” No... every kiss begins with money! If the pussy whipped guy bought home a box of “thought that matters,” he would not have received a kiss. He would have received an invitation to the back yard so he can sleep for the night.

Putting these types of jewelry commercials on during this particular time of the season not only ruins the viewing experience, it also makes men far more hesitant to try and get their wives/girlfriends/mistresses involved in watching sports. See, this is exactly the time of year when you should try to get your lady friend to watch sporting events with you --- the games are more meaningful, the teams are (generally) better, and the excitement level is much higher.

But instead of being able to concentrate on explaining the finer points of third down conversion rates, or the intricacies of the 1-3-1 zone, you instead have to nervously monitor TV ads. Since most of the ads are constructed the same way (i.e., post-frat pretty boy blows several grand on ridiculous jewelry for girl), the very real risk is that your female companion will look at you and say (either to herself or out loud) "Well, why aren't you doing that for me?" It's a no-win situation, and just further drives a wedge between the male sports consumer and his female company. If guys needed even more excuses to watch sports by themselves, the jewelry advertisements provide them. In spades.

Look, jewelry dudes... please stop. No one's fooled by your ruse. The majority of the audience that's watching the games isn't really that interested in blowing their new HDTV money on a diamond pendant. And you're only hurting the poor saps whose wives or girlfriends see one of these ads and start expecting them to put a pair of earrings on the Christmas tree. If you'd up your production values and produce some humorous ads that actually fit into the sports landscape, you might be more welcome. But to continually pump these cheesy emotional plays into our sporting events is an affront to the vast majority of the viewing audience. In plain, simple terms, you suck. Go away.

So can we please agree to an understanding? Limit the jewelry ads to episodes of Grey's Anatomy and Cold Case, and just leave us the hell alone during the holiday sports season.